CruciFire's Lair

India’s New Rocket Fails To Lift Off

2009-06-13T20:58:00.008+05:30

Via Agra, Sept 2025: India’s new satellite - Planetary Explorer: New Indian Shuttle (P.E.N.I.S) failed to take off today, sparking a huge debate about whether spending huge amounts of taxpayer’s money on space programs is justified or not. Counted amongst India’s most prestigious space programs till date, the Space Exploratory Xperience or S.E.X (of which P.E.N.I.S is an integral part) has been in the works for close to a decade now.

Commissioned by the then Chairman of ISRO Homo Bhabha, this mission was estimated to be worth 30 Million paisa to be utilized over a period of 3 years. 9 years and 30.0005 Million paisa later, the project is in its final stages…. of shutting down. After much deliberation, an ISRO veteran scientist, Mr.Dontaskme DickShit (DD) volunteered for an interview, exclusively for ‘Crucifire’s Lair’ readers. Here’s a transcript –

ME – Sir, tell me something about Project S.E.X

DD – You see this project was initiated by the late Homo Bhabha who was apparently cock-sure that there was intelligent life out there in the universe. Have you seen ‘Koi Mil Gaya’?

ME – The Hrithik movie? Yes sir.

DD – Ahh, Homo Bhabha was like Hrithik’s dad in the movie. He used to sit around all day hitting random keys on the CASIO keyboard expecting aliens to contact him from outer space. I am sure those aliens (IF they existed) would have committed suicide listening to the sonic bullcrap he used to churn out from his keyboard.

ME – Err sir, aren’t you being a little harsh on Mr.Bhabha? After all he is the one who spearheaded most of India’s prominent space programs.

DD – Hah, space program, my ass! I would prefer Savita BHABHI to that BHABHA any day.

ME – Okay, let’s not deviate from the topic, so tell me about S.E.X

DD – In my opinion, sex is a spiritual communion of two souls. It’s the physical manifestation of love between a man and a woman. Foreplay is a very important part of sex, my son. Sex happens when a man inserts his p….

ME – *interrupts DD* Project S.E.X sir, not sex.

DD – Ohh, sorry about that! After Chandrayaan, Project S.E.X was supposed to be India’s next big space program. It’s almost a decade now and the project still hasn’t taken off. We are unable to have good S.E.X as our P.E.N.I.S keeps going down every single time we try to launch it.

ME – So, what exactly seems to be the problem?

DD – We have tried launching our satellite more than 50 times but it never stays on course. The rocket carrying the satellite always deviates from its trajectory and ends up crashing in the nearby ocean. This is what we people in the space industry call ‘Projectile Dysfunction’. If a rocket cannot penetrate the outer space, how the hell can we have good S.E.X? It is generally believed we can have good S.E.X with a rocket positioned at “less than 45 degree” but our P.E.N.I.S always leaves its predetermined route and ends up crashing in an ocean.

ME – What now?

DD – Do you have any idea how frustrated we scientists are? It’s been so long since we’ve had a good S.E.X and this P.E.N.I.S is of no use. We tried to stimulate political interest in this project but they are too apathetic. No extra funds, they say. If we don’t have money or a good satellite (like P.E.N.I.S) great S.E.X is close to impossible. They should shut down this project and lay off all of us so that we can atleast have good sex at home *winks*

ME - Yes, well okay… good luck with that!

(Couple of my readers found my references to Dr. Homi Bhabha and ISRO disrespectful.. Guys and gals, I respect Dr. Homi Bhabha and ISRO and all their contributions to the Indian Space Industry, references to them are just in good humour and I mean no disrespect.. Sorry, if it offended anyone I never meant to..)

Our Entry for the Indian Currency Symbol Competition

2009-04-15T10:36:00.007+05:30

Created by me and my bro

THEME – SPIRITUAL INDIA / DIVINE INDIA

We have approached this project of designing the Indian currency symbol aiming to make it a throwback to our cultural heritage. We believe it is our rich heritage that has seeded the vibrant culture and traditions that have come to characterize our great country. Hence, the focus of our design has been the spiritual and historical past of India. An attempt was made to create a design that is generic to a multitude of religions.

CONCEPT

We believe that any quest for a perfect Indian symbol needs to be undertaken with an introspective visit to our roots. With a reflective eye on detail, we have designed this Indian currency symbol, which tries to incorporate the finer points of our glorious spiritual & cultural traditions. The three most important symbols of Indian history - AUM, SWASTIKA and BINDU, all have been used to add virtue to our own design. With our symbol, we seek to celebrate the magnificent experience that is India.

Note: We have tried to keep the symbol simple enough to be drawn with limited number of line strokes.

DESCRIPTION OF SYMBOL (graphical representations provided)

A brief description of our symbol is as follows:

· A stylized “I” forms the basic framework of the picture (refer Fig 1.). It stands for the first letter of INDIA.

· The “I” has been modified to introduce the concept of AUM (refer Fig 4.), the most ancient and purest of all Indian symbols. AUM as a symbol transcends a range of religions found across India. It is an exemplification of the secular nature of our country as well as the spiritual ocean of knowledge that has originated here. The meanings for the word are endless. Introducing it into the currency symbol will be the first step towards giving the economy a positive push upwards.

· The BINDU (refer Fig 5.), without which the AUM is incomplete, is regarded as the beginning and the end of all that matters. It will serve as a constant reminder for an objective outlook during uncertain times.

· The BINDU can also be interpreted as “ZERO”; the greatest contribution that India has made to the world of Mathematics without which, economy as we know it would not even be possible.

· Another interpretation of the circle that we aim to capture is that of the ASHOKA CHAKRA. It stands for the ever changing nature of time and how we Indians have acknowledged it and adapted it into our lives. It stands testimony to the growth we have achieved since independence.

· The AUM and the “I” have been combined in a way so as to represent the SWASTIKA (refer Fig 6.). SWASTIKA is another one of India’s ancient symbols. The SWASTIKA is considered to be auspicious and stands for good luck and charm. The positive vibes ingrained in this symbol will set the stage for a productive start.

· We have also made an attempt to design the symbol to resemble the first consonant “Ka” in Hindi - India’s national language.

· Finally, if one was to observe closely, one can also find all the alphabets ”n” & ”r” set inconspicuously in the entire arrangement (This refers to INR. Refer Fig 2 & 3).

We sincerely feel that our design ably captures all the important facets of India in all its glory and we are certain that every Indian will take to this symbol with pride in their hearts and a sense of contentment and delight about where we come from, what we are and what we will be.

NOTE : To draw the symbol by hand, all that needs to be done is to draw a J, strike a wave through it and end with the DOT. It's easy!!!

Guys, PLEASE DO COMMENT,...

Woo Hoo.. Yippeee

2009-03-18T10:34:00.003+05:30

Hi All,

For everyone who came here expecting a new post, I am sorry to disappoint u. The past couple of weeks have been AWESOME for me. I won two online contests and made a handful of new buddies, one of them a really close one. My wins...

Contest 1 - Comic Captioning Contest - http://www.flyyoufools.com/caption-contest-results/ (I think I win a copy of the comic and some chocolates)

Contest 2 - Fastrackarmy Description Contest -
http://media.fastrack.in/announcements/fastrack-army-in-140-characters-winners.html (I will be getting a Fastrack Dog-Tag watch!)

Due to 'technical' problems, its been long time since I've posted anything. Now that net is working at my place, will try to post in the coming weeks...

CruciFire

Superheroes Saga - 4 (Final Part)

2008-12-04T12:35:00.013+05:30

Read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 here…

Dhruv: Now since that’s done with it, can we please discuss the other issues? Ok, the next issue is “Was it L&T who had supplied cement to Ram & Lax Inc for the Setu Bridge?” Why on earth are we concerned about who the hell was the cement supplier to Ram & Lax Inc? Heyy, wait a minute. I don’t remember having seen this as one of the issues in the earlier draft. May I know which of you super morons wrote this on the agenda?

Superhero 5: That would be me, Mr. Dhruv!

Dhruv: Oh no not you! I should have guessed it, The Illogical Issues Man (IIM). So why exactly have you written it here?

IIM: Well dumbass, as my name says my job as a super hero IS to bring up such irrational problems and enjoy seeing people like you trying to figure out a way to solve them. You see there are a lot of other such nonsensical questions that I need answers to – Why is it that apart from the actor for whom the movie Satya was a launch vehicle, everyone else became famous and he is nowhere to be seen? Who exactly IS Digen Verma? Isn’t the Vodafone dog sick of running around tiny wooden houses every time the network decides to change its name and colour? Why are most Tamil heroines fat as hell and the heroes look like they are from Shivaji’s times? Had Mallika approached anyone to put silicon…

Dhruv (interrupting IIM): Oh c’mon, everyone knows the answer to that one.

IIM: …in her PC?

Dhruv: Ohh I thought that… ah well I don’t know and I don’t want to! I am sorry but we will HAVE to tell you to step out of the audi right now. You see, we have very critical issues on hand to resolve and we can’t afford to waste time on answering your stupid queries.

IIM: Well then, if no one wants me here I am going.

STOM: The IIM is going to leave this room, ain’t he?

Chacha Chaudhary: Please take STOM with you Mr. IIM and make it fast.

STOM: You want me to leave too, isn’t it?

Chacha Chaudhary: Just freaking LEAVE!

Dhruv: Okay last topic up for discussion – Did Van Heusen supply the war outfits to Pandavas and Kauravas? Isn’t Mahabharatha way too old to be brought up for discussion?

Person 1: Well, I am the one who put that question in the agenda.

Dhruv: YOU?! BLISTERING BARNACLES BUT HOW?

Nagraj: Well, he has a huge stake in ANUS, so as a stakeholder he has every right to ask what he wants to know from the top management. Ain’t I right, Mr. Mukesh Ambani?

MA: Yes exactly. As far as I remember, Reliance was still in the textile business then. When there WAS one reliable Indian brand in the market, I would like to know why they preferred to outsource their designer clothes to an MNC?

Dhruv: Designer clothes? Who the hell told you they wore designer clothes?

MA: Heyy, I do watch Ekta Kapoor’s Mahabharatha and anyone watching that serial can tell you that those guys used to wear designer clothes and sport tattoos. Though I am not quite sure those were original Van Heusen but what the hell!

Nagraj: TATTOOS?! Oh for heaven’s sake Mr. Ambani, that’s all Ekta’s own creation. Now don’t tell me you actually thought they used to have tattoos! You think Sapna Bhavnani’s great great great grandmother used to do it for them? You Mad-o-wot?

MA: Oh, she didn’t?

(Dhruv and Nagraj both faint.)

My Cartoons - 11

2008-12-04T12:27:00.006+05:30

The 'CHOCOLATE' guy in the AXE Ad

Superheroes Saga - 3

2008-10-18T18:44:00.021+05:30

Read Part 2 here

Dhruv: OMG guys, how many more digressions will we have to go through before we are able to finish off the agenda we started off with? Ok next topic – Is the name Microsoft erotic?

Nagraj: May I know why exactly are WE discussing this? Isn’t this a job for Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer to figure out?

Dhruv: Well yes, but apparently they haven’t! I am sick and tired of the superheroes (that use the iMac) teasing Windows users calling them names such as “Micro-softies”. I have told them a million times that mine is neither micro, nor soft but they wouldn’t stop. Now you see not everyone is as tough as me (for ex – EMO Man and Senti-Man, who couldn’t make it here because his wife left him) and they are very offended by this name-calling. We HAVE to do something about this.

Nagraj: Sorry bro, but I don’t think we can do anything at all in this regard. The people who have a problem can either switchover to Apple or start using OpenSource software.

SQM: My friends, it’s not about the system that u use but the chips that run it that matters! You have to attain oneness with your PC only then would it be able to do your biding. The cabinet is its body and the processor chip, its soul. Just like us, its physical body will rust, fall prey to dust and insects and eventually break off to reveal the true nature of the chip. Overclocking a PC is like applying Botox, it will definitely elongate the process and affect you but only just about. How does it matter whether it is an Apple or Mirosoft or IBM? Eventually, we all have to go to…

Dhruv (in an enraged tone): Guess what Mr. Smartass, I feel that the universe is conspiring to throw you out of this conference room, this very instant. I can feel it, I can feel it now and as Sharukh Khan had once said when you truly believing in kicking someone out the whole universe comes together to help us achieve it. Will someone please kick this bugger out of this room?

STOM: Someone is gonna kick SQM out, isn’t it?

Nagraj: Sheesh man, there he goes again!

(Sabu kicks SQM right out of the solar system)

Nagraj: Haha that was total pwnage!

Chacha Chaudhary: True, true…

My Cartoons - 10

2008-10-05T12:57:00.002+05:30

Physics Can Be Sexy

Superheroes Saga - 2

2008-09-27T11:55:00.005+05:30

(Junta, Am feeling pretty light-hearted today so am gonna merge the 2nd and 3rd parts of this saga to make it one long Part 2.. njoy!)

Read Part 1 here

Dhruv: To hell with them… We don’t need those US heroes to help us in our endeavor, so let’s get on with the issues. Respect ma authoritah!

Superhero 1: I think those guys were very pissed off.

Dhruv: Oh thank you so much for that update, Stating-The-Obvious Man (STOM)! So the first issue on the table is – Who is Pammy dating nowadays?

Superhero 2: Koi kisi ke saath nahi sota, yeh sab maya hai…

Dhruv: No one asked your opinion, Spiritual-Quotes Man (SQM). Can I get some answers please?

Shaktimaan: I have firm reason to belive that she might be back with Tommy Lee. I saw them at Yellowstone Park yesterday kissing and cuddling each other.

Dhruv: What on earth were you doing there?

Shaktimaan: Oh that! One of my finger-raised-trying-to-create-a-whirlwind stunts went terribly awry. I ended up creating a couple of hurricanes that destroyed half of Texas. Sorry!

Dhruv: You got to watch a few Rajni movies to learn to create and control a whirlwind. All Hail The Great Rajni!

Dhruv: Okay back to work now! So, are we clear on the fact that Pammy is still going around with Tommy?

Sabu: No. I think she is dating Kid RAAKA.

Dhruv: Kid ROCK, u mean.

Sabu: Oh yeah, yeah. I saw them the other day in the back of Pammy’s car and they were completely engrossed in each other. Both Pammy and Kiddy were sitting facing one another gazing into each other’s eyes though I felt that Kiddy’s gaze was a little lower than hers.

Dhruv: Err okay, but since Shaktimaan’s information is the most updated one, we can conclude that Pam and Tommy are back together – topic closed!

Superhero 3: Oh! That’s so cute. But I can imagine what Kid Rock would go through when he comes to know of this, poor soul. He would be all sentimental, wear black clothes, start listening to goth music and try to hurt himself with a blade.

Dhruv: Hey EMO Man (EM), please get the hell outta here! How on earth do people like YOU become superheroes? What do you do? Provide losers with goth CDs and knives?

EM: Heyy even that’s a superheroes job. You guys hurt my feelings, I am leaving the ANUS.

Boo Hoo.

(EM storms out of the conference room sobbing)

Dhruv: Ohh, great relief. Next topic – “How escalating oil prices have affected the lives of poor Malayalis?” So, who can shed some light on this?

Superhero 4: Jnyan chiyam, Meim karoomga. Hello peepuls, meim hoom South Indian Man (SIM). I save people by providing them banana chips, tapioca chips and nariyal paani when they are hungry or thirsty. I also fly to the rescue of ladies who find it difficult to prepare dosa, idli and puttu. I specialize in parotha and chicken curry.

Nagraj: Abey, enough of self-promotion, can you please come back to the topic on hand please? Saap chahiye kya?

SIM: Naheeeem, no please. I would like to bring to ANUS’s kind attention that the recent spike in oil prices have affected the Mallu community the most. You all know how important oil is in the life of a Mallu. As we use it for almost everything, one bottle of Parachute used to last for only 2 days. Now we have to stretch a bottle for a week before I can think of buying a new one, ende kashtam annu ariyamo… I mean what trouble it is do you know? I have to go days without properly having a bath because oil has become so expensive. My sister is unable to nourish her hair everyday sitting on the window sill with half a bottle all because some dim-witted, handkerchief-wearing Arab suddenly realized that his ‘stuff’ was worth a lot more.

Nagraj: But Mr. SIM, the oil that we are referring to here is not…

SIM (interrupts Nagraj): Rukom. Chup Rahom Tum. Let me speak, I want people to know what tragedy we are going through here. Can you imagine how many of my fellowmen have to use shampoo more than once every week to offset their use of oil? Now their hair has become all frizzy and dry and the comb doesn’t slip off the hair as easily as it used to. They have all started resembling that Alex guy who comes on Lola Kutty’s Show. Ende bhagwaane…

STOM: Hmm, so all of you use shampoo once every week is it?

Dhruv: WTF? Isn’t that obvious?

STOM: Well if it was, then it was my job to reiterate that, ain’t it?

Nagraj: With superheroes like you, are we ever gonna be able to solve the world’s problems? God save our ANUS!

Nagraj: And Mr. SIM, the oil that we are talking about today is gasoline/petroleum and not coconut oil.

SIM (embarrassed): Ohhhh, is it? I am sooo sorry… I thought it was… u know… hehe… oops!

Dhruv: When was the last time you went out to buy groceries?

SIM: An year back… err, my wife generally buys all the necessary rations you see…

SQM: Maine kahaa tha, sab maya hai. What were we born for? Why are we on this earth, in this human form? Kya hum mein kisi ne iss vishey par kabhi vichaar kiya hai?

Nagraj (giggling): Abey, kal raat ko Premchand aur Socrates dono aaye the kya?

(The whole congregation bursts into laughter.)

Metallica To Play At Lalbaug

2008-09-20T20:18:00.009+05:30

Lalbaug : Mumbai metalheads rejoice! Metallica is FINALLY coming to Mumbai. The world's most celebrated metalband is slated to perform at Lalbaug on the last day of Ganesh Chaturthi celebrations. Metallica plans to release their recent album 'Death Magnetic' during their gig here. Our sources (name changed to protect identity) confirmed that Metallica might also be looking at releasing a full length album post their performance in Mumbai; tentatively titled ‘S & M - Dwitiya' (S stands for Sarvajanik Ganeshotsav Mandal, Lalbaug) .

Mr. Patil (only surname given to protect identity), President of the Sarvajanik Ganeshotsav Mandal (SGM) at Lalbaug said, "Amhi very pleased aahe ki Mithali-Ka ikde perphorm karna aahe. I am prouds of the phact that my mandal junta has done something that even the fat guy whatshisname Wadia and Shri. Makhija could not do. Amhi sagle log phaar exicted aahe. We are thinking of printing special Mithali-Ka tshirts and bandanas for our whole team. We are also discussing the possibility of having a 'lejhim dance' bephore Mithali-Ka comes on stage. We have tied up with SapharChand Inc to setup a big, exclusive stall for selling their Amravati-phamous 'AaiPhone' (link to one of my previous posts). Jai Maharashtra. Jai Mithali-Ka"

Venkitachala radhajayasuryakamala murlitharan (he did not listen to us!) our correspondent in the US managed to catch up with James Hetfield, the lead singer of Metallica for a few sound bites. When asked about the Mumbai gig, this is what James had to say,"YEEAAHHHH. YEEEAAHHH. We are all extremely excited about our upcoming gig in Mumbai. This would be our first visit to India and you all know how much we foreigners love India or atleast pretend we do!" When asked about the playlist and rumoured album, James retorted, "YEEAAHH. We would be playing most of our famous songs but the lyrics would be changed to suit the ongoing Ganpati celebrations in India. For example, we would be playing 'One'(inspired from Johnny’s Got His Ganpati), Enter Mooshaka, The Head That Should Not Have Been, Mooshak Militia, And Modaks For All and a few other hits that relate to Lord Ganesha's life. Apart from the above-mentioned songs, the album playlist would consist of 'Call of the Vighnaharta', 'Mama Said' (with lyrics on how he was created), 'Bleeding Me' (song relating to Ganesha's state after the bathroom brawl), Unforgiven 4 (Karthikeya not forgiving his mom after the "fastest around the world" episode), 'Turn The Page' (on the Mahabharatha-writing episode) and two songs dedicated to Lord Shiva (Master Of Bhootgan) and Narada (St. Narad) respectively.

As soon as this news reached a(M) a(N) as(S) leader Aaj Phekrey, he vowed to take out a morcha to protest against band’s use of the name ‘Metallica’ without a Marathi version of the same on the flyers and their equipment.

In unrelated news, Megadeth was rumoured to be on the lookout for a big Ganpati Pandal to play some of their own chartbusters on the last day of immersion.

- By CruciFire (Not-so-Well Street Journal)

Superheroes Saga - 1 (5 Part Series)

2008-08-24T18:06:00.004+05:30

Hi everyone, this is Jay reporting live from Prague, Delhi where an emergency meeting has been called by all the superheroes of this world to talk about and resolve important international issues. Some of the significant issues on the agenda to be discussed today are as follows: “Who is Pamela currently dating?”, “How escalating oil prices have affected the lives of poor Malayalis?”, “Is the name ‘Micro soft’ erotic?”, “Was it L&T who had supplied cement to Ram & Lax Inc for the Setu Bridge?” and “Did Van Heusen supply outfits to the Padavas and Kauravas for the Kurukshetra war?”. Discussion on other smaller problems such as global warming, terrorism, communal violence, real estate prices, inflation and bomb blasts have been postponed till the next meeting in 2020.

Super Commando Dhruv: On behalf of Association of Newly United Superheroes (ANUS), I would like to welcome you all to this conference convened for the resolution of global issues. Inspite of having our very own ANUS, we never really took stock of the various problems that have plagued our society and tried to solve them. ANUS was created to act as a passage for the common good to come in and for bad karma to go out. Instead, some of us have been shamelessly working as reporters at newspapers, flying around just for the fun of it, making love to girls with Mary in their name, driving burning motorcycles, growing into slimy green creatures destroying property, creating stupid metal suits for combat, running alongside speeding bullets and fighting absurdly-named villains like the Joker and Penguin wearing a black gay suit!

Spiderman: With great power comes great responsibility!

Dhruv: Yeah right, of what? Flinging around fishing nets on buildings enraging the BMC to clean up the mess later and charge it on ANUS.

Batman: This is ridiculous! We are genuine fighters and are under no obligation to take crap from someone who is signed to a little known RAJ comics and fights next to a guy who loves snakes! Meh!

Dhruv: Ohh don’t take it too far ‘black gay suit’ guy! As if no one in this room knows about your relations with Robin!

(A collective gasp echoes throughout the hall and all eyes turn to Batman)

Batman: That does it! This organization sucks… Screw u guys, we are going home!

(A whole section of ANUS gets up and leaves the conference room)

To Be Contd...

My Cartoons - 9

2008-07-26T23:45:00.003+05:30

IDEA Telecom - The Best!

My Cartoons - 8

2008-07-18T18:20:00.004+05:30

People always think what they WANT to think!

My Cartoons - 7

2008-07-11T13:22:00.003+05:30

How Death Metal Fans Learn Lyrics

My Cartoons - 6

2008-06-24T00:16:00.003+05:30

Present Day Love Problems

My Cartoons - 5

2008-06-08T15:55:00.001+05:30

Face - Off

My Cartoons - 4

2008-05-30T09:56:00.001+05:30

Technologically Challenged

My Cartoons - 3

2008-05-19T12:54:00.003+05:30

Posers DIE!!!

(open in new tab/window)

My Cartoons - 2

2008-05-09T19:59:00.003+05:30

Kick In The Nuts

My Cartoons - I

2008-05-01T13:57:00.006+05:30

Hi Junta,

I recently came across this site - http://www.stripcreator.com/ which is a simple, easy-to-use portal that provides budding cartoonists with panels and some characters to create . For creative and busy ppl like me, this is gr8 way to create a few cartoons without having to go thru the whole processing of drawing, penciling, photoshopping and all that!

Here is the first of my toons (will post one each week till creative juices last :P):

Unlikely Superhero - I

(open in new window or new tab to veiw)

aaiFone - A Technological Marvel

2008-03-19T23:29:00.000+05:30

Couple of days back, Steve P. Jobs unveiled the world’s first custom made series of touch screen phones, affectionately titled the AAIFONE (aaiFone). Targeted specifically at the Maharashtrians, this phone is the result of a recent collaboration between Apple (or SapharChand as its partners call it), RMNS Corp. and Shee Cena (wholly-owned subsidiary of Ball Tak Inc., Ulhasnagar)

The product was launched in a high profile press conference held in Bihar on Feb 14^th. Steve P. Jobs appeared on a bullock cart wearing a Pheta with the aaiFone held high. He was accompanied by Aaj Phekrey (CEO, RMNS) and Uthake Phekrey (Chairman, Shee Cena) on either side. “This starts a new chapter in the history of touch screen phones”, said Steve. “I have always wanted to give something back to my fellow maharashtrians and this is my Valentine’s Day gift to them. I am and always have been one of them. For the uninformed, my middle name is Padgaonkar and not Paul as some people assume it to be. Mee pann ek Marathi manoos aahe”, confessed Steve in front of a massive three member audience.

aaiFone weighs a good 5 kilos and is sturdy, lathi-resistant, shock-proof, oil-proof, water-resistant and blood-proof. “It has been designed keeping the average activist in mind. We want people to use it during bandhs and rasta rokos and that’s reason we have made it this strong”, Aaj was quoted as having said. Encased in a violence-inducing orange, green and black metal case, this Phone is an internet-enabled multi-touch, multimedia masterpiece. Based on the Jijabyte chipset (named as a tribute to Shivaji), it has a virtual keyboard, touch sensitive buttons and 0.3 Megha-pixel (named after Steve’s daughter) camera. The initial models won’t have xenon flash or auto focus (though the consortium says that the later versions would have a North Indian focus!). But what truly makes it a portable must-have of the ordinary Marathi manoos is its software and interface. Apple’s proprietary software – Mac ki OS is at the heart of this phone. The default language of the phone would be Marathi (Devanagari being the only other option.) Mr. Uthake was quoted as having told the audience that they could have any other language on the phone as long as it was Marathi. The aaiFone would come pre-loaded with wallpapers and screensavers of Tigers, Shivaji maharaj, Vada pav, Arun gawli etc. The themes would have a distinct orange, blue and green tint to them. Famous Marathi tunes such as the Nashik dhol, Dhagala lagli kalla and Jai Jai Maharashtra mazhaa would be included as a standard set in the cell’s multimedia gallery. In terms of connectivity, the phone would have an inbuilt browser called Swarajya and files could be exchanged wirelessly using proprietary software NeelDantha.

For promotional activities, they have tied up with actors Shreyas Talpade & Mohan Joshi. The advertising would be handled by Bhen & Mather Pvt Ltd. An ‘apple-eating tiger’ is the proposed logo and the propossed ad jingle is – Tujhya aai cha, Mazhaa aai cha, Saglyancha aai cha aavadta AAIFONE.

The consortium has vowed to make this phone available ONLY to real Maharashtrians. After a careful screening process (to be done by company activists and not network providers), only the TRUE marathis would be able to lay their hands on this baby!

Random Thoughts - 7

2008-03-07T14:05:00.003+05:30

If James Hetfield would have written a song for his wife after their marriage, wot wud have been its title?

...And the Mehendi Remains!!! :)

An Ideal Metalhead's Wedding...

2008-02-16T23:59:00.002+05:30

1. The invitation card is printed on black paper with red ink and incorporates loads of swords, guitars, devil horns, demons and skulls. As soon as the card is opened, “For whom the bell tolls” starts to play.

2. On the D-day, there is a “Battle of the Bands” before the marriage ceremony.

3. The hall is all-black with seated guests wearing Metallica, Slayer and Iron Maiden tees.

4. A frizzly-haired dude is shredding guitar at the entrance of the hall.

5. Amidst dense smoke, the groom enters with the ‘Enter sandman’ playing in the background. His full-sleeve Megadeth tee and torn jeans ensemble is completed by a chained purse, couple of skull rings, a bandana, a few tattooes and a spiked wristband.

6. The bride enters in a Kittie Tee and jeans and is pretty much as accessorized as the groom is. Add a nose ring and a neck band to the mix.

7. The Priest Rob Halford enters on a Harley, insists he be referred to as ‘Angel of Death’ and growls songs performed by all the major bands’ right from Black Sabbath to Sepultura to Anthrax , Machinehead, Slipknot and Hatebreed.

8. The groom and bride’s families exchange t-shirts, cds, dvds and vinyl records.

9. After the pheras, the couple ties blood vials to each other, vow to listen to metal and go to all the concerts together – ‘til POP do us part! Amen!

10. The gifts include guitars, amps, synthesizers, cymbals and bass pedals.

11. Every second guest (irrespective of sex) has awfully long hair and does the ‘devil horns’ for every alternate photo.

12. Couple of big bands ‘headline’ the post-wedding celebrations.

13. Chicken, beer and weed are the only items on the menu.

14. The honeymoon is scheduled to coincide with the next Ozzfest gig.

15. The baraatis join in a moshpit before the lunch is served. (this one suggested by a friend)

Indian Music Revolution - Website Review (Un-edited)

2007-12-16T10:56:00.000+05:30

[Edited Version published in JAM Mag in November]

Amidst churning out ever-degrading commercial trash (Bollywood) day in and day out and fuelling the nasal onslaught of Himesh’s mass-hysterical music, Indian record companies have been consistently sidelining the musical tastes of a select few for over two centuries now – the Indian rock/metal fans. Promoting Indian rock has never EVER been on the agenda of these big shots whose single point focus in making records ONLY for money has reduced a hugely talented and untapped group of musicians (rock bands) into mere mainstream/commercial wannabes. While this marginalizing has been going for quite a long time now, off late there has been mushrooming of a lot of privately-run Indian websites (revamped old ones and couple of new ones) who have taken it upon themselves to educate, create, support and promote good Indian rock/metal music. IMR is one such messiah!

IMR or Indian Music Revolution (http://www.indianmusicrevolution.com/) is one of the many sites dedicated to ensure the constant supply of testosterone-charged music to the thirsty souls of rockers. Managed by a three-piece (rock lingo!) – band promote/co-ordinators Pravin Prajapati (aka Messiah), Mahesh Puttapaka and website owner/webmaster Ajit Bohra (aka Avatar), IMR promises to be a one-stop shop for all rock Indian. Now for the post mortem (insert evil laugh here) –

INDEX PAGE – One look at the front page and you instantly realize the professionalism and intensive thought process that might have gone into building this site. A top-to-bottom scan of this utterly user-friendly site reveals a rolling band name ticker on the left-hand side top, day/date, search box, main menu, scrolling updates on the forum, a link to the official Orkut community, a sweet little box of statistics, the ‘Infocus’ section, a live shout box, an ongoing polls box and album/audio/video update strips (Phew!!). The ‘updates’ strips could have been a bit more organized (no major changes…just a bit).

LOGO – Damn, it soo bru-tiful (*wipes tears off eyes*) I just LOVE IT! Now this is one logo I would DEFINITELY want on my tee.

MENUS –

Register – Well, self-explanatory I guess!! Btw, you HAVE to register to be able to even view their audio/video library (unnecessary restriction, according to me…)

Discussion Forum – Just as self-explanatory as above… The latest post is of October 17^th, so the forum seems pretty active. The consistent and enthusiastic participation of Ajit and Pravin on the forums is definitely praiseworthy. Its good to see that the people involved in creating and maintaining the website are actively involved in its day-to-day activities too and are not just sleeping partners (pun not intended!) in the firm.

News articles – News and updates section… has 3 sub-sections:

1. Album updates – updates on new albums…

2. In Focus – Band info section

3. IMR Launch Pad (please don’t ask me whether Channel V came first or IMR!) – They call it the Band Launch section but I found the information to be very similar to ‘In Focus’.

Gig Attack – Calendar of upcoming gigs… You can add your own after registering… Not very comprehensive from what I saw and here is the reason - it didn’t have the listing for a 19^th Oct metal gig in Bangalore. How could a site on Indian rock/metal NOT have a gig listing featuring bands like Demonic Resurrection, Kryptos & MyndSnare!!!

Media Library – Though the layout and categorization is very good, this is where IMR fails to impress. (IMR mentioned ‘Image Library’ as one of the menus in their official release sent across to us but I couldn’t find one! Is this like the Book Of Solomon or something!)

IMR Junction – I couldn’t quite figure out the relevance of this section so I’ll quote directly from the IMR release sent to us – “This place is created to keep users updated about official web presence of bands and other sites supporting / promoting Indian bands”. Hmm, from what I can figure, it is a cross between an ‘Updates’ and a ‘Links’ section.

Contact Us – umm, err… Contact Details…

Now that the autopsy is complete, here are a few of my humble observations –

I like the way the way the website has been structured but there is definitely scope for some improvement.
I appreciate the thoughtfulness put into each page in terms of enabling the user to save the pages/band bios/news for future reference – the ‘print to PDF/printer’ or ‘mail to’ options are nice touches.
The ‘In Focus’ section needs to be a different menu altogether because it’s weird that a site on rock/metal scene doesn’t have an independent ‘Bands’ menu.
Lastly, how many of us have actually heard of bands like Ziad, DE INNOVATIVES, Ichor or Paganic Souls? I seriously doubt whether there would be many… Though I appreciate the effort on the part of the IMR junta to promote new and original bands, doing ONLY that is not going to drive traffic to your site or suddenly make people sit up and take notice of fresh talent. At a time when the Indian rock/metal scene has just started opening up to original music from some older bands (DR, Kryptos) and couple of innovative newer ones (Skincold, Narsil, BM), an influx of a whole new set is only going to create confusion. Please don’t get me wrong here! If IMR has to be truly successful, they need to follow the route that was taken by Indian bands during their evolution period. i.e Start with covers, chip in with a few noteworthy originals, probably release a small EP or so and eventually metamorphasize into an all originals band! In the same context, if IMR wants to increase its user base, it needs to carry more audio/video/updates related to famous Indian bands too and then possibly get in some newer ones once in a while and when the user base warms up to them, then go full on to promote them! That would be a win-win situation for all!! Typical bollywood movie-type happy ending…

Till then, we wish IMR all the very best and as they say… Keep It Metal \m/

Paul McCartney - Memory Almost Full Review

2007-11-23T11:13:00.000+05:30

[Published in JAM in October]

At a time when most of the artists of his time are already with GOD or lazing around palatial bungalows living off their hard-earned pension, multi-instrumentalist Sir Paul McCartney still seems to be in his prime making good music, as ever! There are obvious traces of ‘The Beatles’ in some of the songs but that’s about it and this album isn’t like anything The Beatles or Wings (McCartney’s band with his wife) ever did!

The most notable factor (negative or positive is something I leave for you to decide!) of the whole album is the ultra-simplistic lyrics (sample this: Everybody gonna dance tonight, Everybody gonna feel alright…Everybody gonna jump and shout, Everybody gonna sing it out, Everybody gonna dance around tonight…). Such lyrics are strewn all over the place and it makes this album seem like a ‘birthday party celebrations’ cassette, occasionally. There are influences ranging from The Raconteurs in “Only Mama Knows”; Led Zeppelin and Scissor Sisters in the pop-rock of “Gratitude” and Pink Floyd in oddly psychedelic “The End of the End”. Though most of the instruments have been played by Sir Mccartney himself, this time around he has been ably supported by his tour band: Abe Laboreal, Jr. on drums, Rusty Anderson on guitar, Brian Ray on bass, and Wix Wickens on keyboards. The songwriting is top-notch, lyrics and music are thematically diverse and vocals range from downright childish to retrospectively mature.

Inspite of all the positives, I really don’t think today’s teeny-boppers would actually be able to appreciate the kind of soft-rock/pop 70’s sound that Sir McCartney has put forth in this album. All in all, this seems to be one of the better albums of Sir Paul’s solo pop career but recommended only if you are a hardcore McCartney/The Beatles fan.

As I Lay Dying - An Ocean Between Us Review

2007-11-01T19:07:00.000+05:30

[Published in JAM MAG in October]

When San Diego Music Award's 2006 Artist of the Year and MTV Metal Gods 2006 Awardee As I Lay Dying (AILD) release an album (their 3rd with Metal Blade Records), you can be dead sure the album is going be a classic. Released in August this year, ”An Ocean Between Us (AOBU)” is a bar-raiser for many reasons. This album is brutally heavy, lyrically diverse and musically superior to a lot of recent albums put out by bands within the same sub-genre. It is the kind of album that you would never expect of a metalcore band whose genre is synonymous with typical breakdownladen chugga-chugga sounds.

The album starts off with an instrumental Separation which fades into a monster of a song Nothing Left. It has got to be the best track of the album with killer riffing and thunderous double-bass drumming. The next track “An Ocean Between Us is a reflection of the musical capabilities of the band and their experiments with sounds outside of their genre. Throughout the album, AILD keeps shifting with ease from pure metal songs (Comfort Betrays/Within Destruction) to emotionally-charged (I Never Wanted) and melodious ones (Forsaken/The Sound of Truth). The album ends with “Wrath Upon Ourselves and “This Is Who We Are, two tightly-knit metal tracks. Apart from solid drumming and the twin-guitar attack, the back-up vocals of Josh Gilbert (bassist) and the studio direction of Adam Dutkiewicz (guitarist, Killswitch Engage) are the highlights of this unique album.

This album has got to be one of the top 10 metal albums of 2007. Highly recommended.

PS: This album debuted on #8 on Billboard 200 Album Charts and on #2 on Billboard's Top Independent Albums list for 2007.

ESPN to go OFF-AIR!!!

2007-09-25T19:43:00.000+05:30

Well, not actually.... it was a part of an sms i received yesterday after THIS...

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS....AGAIN!

Couple of SMSes/mails i received after this classic match....

"ESPN has been asked to go off air for showing a blue film... They apparently showed some men in blue f***ing pakistan, LIVE..."

"Dr. Abdul Kalam's wish fulfilled. India is a superpower in 2020!"

"Misbah thought he is sending the ball to no man's land. He forgot that there is a Malayalee in every corner of the world!"

*****
Twenty-20 - World Cup Final Post match presentation interview
between Shastri and winning captain Dhoni

In the post-match presentation, Ravi Shastri to Dhoni "Congratulations to you and the whole Indian team for winning this world cup. You guys have produced a great nail biting show.. and deserves the cup. We welcome you to share the joy with us."

Dhoni "Thanks Ravi, the match was a pretty close encounter between two great teams and our guys held their nerve to win the game and cup."

Shastri, "Who was the main reason for this thrilling victory?"

Dhoni, "All of us played well but I would say the main reason and man behind this great victory is Ajit Agarkar"

Shocked Shastri..., "Agarkar ? ? .. how come Agarkar... he didn't play in the final"..

Dhoni, "Yeah.. that's the reason we won this low scoring match.. if he could have bowled in the final, Pakistan would have scored the winning runs from his 4 overs...."

Shastri, "ok.. fine, whom would you want to thank for winning this final..."

Dhoni, "The team doctor deserves the credit... he really helped us to prepare for the final..."

Shastri, "Is it? ?.... how did the doctor help to prepare for the final... he is not the coach or physical trainer...Dhoni.. I am getting confused"

Dhoni, "Ravi... nothing to get confused... he has failed Sehwag in the fitness test according to our game plan and we managed to pick a good playing team.. thus we weigh the doctor's contribution as very high... infact its better than our team effort in the field.. our game tactic worked well"

Shastri, "To whom do you want to dedicate this World Cup?"

Dhoni, "The entire team including myself wants to dedicate this cup to Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly..."

Shastri, "I really really appreciate you... its good that you have so much respect for the seniors....and you ...." Dhoni interrupts.... "Ravi.. let me complete... India would have exited in the Group matches if they decided to play in the series... thank god they opted out and we
managed to play cricket and won the cup.."

Shastri, "The match was a thrilling encounter and was concluded by a single mistake of Misbah.. Isn't it? "

Dhoni, "Yes you are right, after lofting the ball Misbah told me that he has send the ball to where there was no one....but he didn't know that there is a malayali in every corner of the world.... This single mistake cost them the game and we won the cup..."

Shastri faints and Dhoni receives the CUP and thats the end of the great Twenty-20 world cup...
******
PS: None of the above have been written by me, this is just a compilation.... secondly, my honest, heartfelt comment - Pakistan played VERY WELL, but hard luck guys....

Then and Now: A Technological Perspective!

2007-09-03T22:03:00.000+05:30

[Published in JAM Magazine, Sept 15th-30th Issue]

THEN:

Name: Arun Menon (this and future references are entirely fictitious)

Contact: 1234567 (only landline)

E-mail Id: crucifire@msn.com

Address: Dombivli (E)

Cell to cell link: GPRS/MMS

NOW:

Nick name/Avatar: \m/ Crucifire \m/

Cell: 9819342534 (Hutch)
9867412367 (Airtel)
9225678896 (TATA)

Email ids:

arun@rediff.com
crucifire@gmail.com
arun@indiatimes.com
arun@zapakmail.com
arun@yahoo.com
arun@msn.com

Orkut – Crucifire
MySpace – Arun
Facebook – Arun R
Hi5 – Arun
Tagged – Arun
Linkedin – Arun R
Blogger - http://crucifirex.blogspot.com
Youtube - http://www.youtube.com/crucifixjk
Flickr - http://www.flickr.com/crucifire

Cell to cell link: Bluetooth/Infrared/EDGE

….and you still feel disconnected!

Random Rants... total raanti isstyle!

2007-08-13T19:20:00.000+05:30

Water, water everywhere,
Not a place to pee....

Well, this rant has nothing to do with the above lines...

Can someone please give me ONE good reason - y do people bring their moms /gfs/ wives/ sisters/female relatives into the gents compartment during peak hours?

Is it their way of showing their 'LOVE' that they can't stay away from their partner even for half an hour?

Or is it more a case of "I-am-man-enough-to-take-care-of-my-female co-traveler-even-during-peak hour rush time" syndrome... Me thinks the latter one is more prevalent...

Assuming that the people I am referring to are NOT first-time travelers, any guy with a decent maturity level will tell you that it is not a good idea to take your female relatives with you during peak hours (say around 8-11 in the mornings and 7-10 in the evenings). Not only will these morons bring their wife but also their kiddos, moms and god knows who all! Then comes the
most frustrating part.. they will stand in the middle of the compartment and expect the office-goers not to touch his female companion...I mean..wot the fuck!? I understand that there would be an odd pervert who would want to make good use of the helpless situation but then again, if you are soooo very concerned bout men brushing against ur wife/mom, y the hell do u bring them into the gents compartment at a time when people are standing (sometimes not even that!) in Kamasutra positions!

I can probably understand bringing one child along (advisable in extreme conditions only..) or bringing ur parents along if they are old or handicapped (the handicapped section is also an alternative, atleast during peak hours) but puuhhhhlleeessss NO FEMALES!

I am absolutely fine with people bringing in their female companions during non-peak hours or when the train is fairly empty... but please don't be such an A**hole and carry them along in an overcrowded train and expect people not to brush against them... and more importantly, start a petty fight as soon as some poor guy does so unintentionally!

PS: Am starting an informal research service for all of ya - yes YOU!... am gonna put my research skills into some good use ;) ... if any of the readers of this blog need any kind of research and I mean ANY kinda data/statistics/information on any topic at all...put in a comment and I will try and help u out with the same (depending on time and amount of data required)... Am NOT an expert on anything , just a good researcher - IF the information u require is available on the internet, then I WILL find it for you...and its completely FREE - for now!!! ;) Lets just say its in the Najayaz BETA version for now!

\m/ Comin Back To Life \m/

2007-06-23T17:05:00.000+05:30

\m/ I Am Coming Back Soon \m/

New Topics, Free Songs, Tech Shit, Metal Massacre

\m/ Watch this space \m/

Current Mood!

2007-05-12T17:59:00.000+05:30

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way

...Thnx a million, Papa Roach!

My Contribution To U-Know-Wot

2007-04-20T20:09:00.000+05:30

(Please DO NOT proceed if you are not comfortable with non-veg jokes/references. Am writing all of this in a half-asleep mode, so please xcuse the crude language. )

1. Kishen Dhody is a small-time tailor residing in Masjid. He also owns a small garment manufacturing unit in Karjat. His garment unit uses imported machinery (like Bapuji's Charkha) to churn out REALLY good quality clothes (last heard it was operating @ 9.5 sigma i.e 0.000000.95 defects out of a million). He is into shirts, trousers and men's innerwear.

2. Bhairavi Taraporewale is a self-employed housewife. She works for SARA-Ne-Nahi-LEE and specialises in women's undergarments (12:35 and all). Kareena kapoor, priyanka chopra, shipa shetty, kim sharma, celina jaitley, madhuri dixit, zeenat aman, tina ambani, pt usha - none of them are her clients. Her um..er... undergarments are a craze among college girls. Her creations are so famous that she herself wears them most of the time.

3. Krshna De - A rubber artist. Creates art with rubber and latex. Used to work for CEAT but lost his job when he ended up shaping some tires with dots and others with flavours. Side business - condom manufacturing under the brand name - IMAIU (I am already inside you!) Also thinking of diversifying into flavoured and dotted erasers by acquiring CAMEL-IN!!

4. Maaki Jai - Animal lover. Loves to ride horses... has around 100 of them, all on lease! Also, a very good trainer of animals in general. Teaches them about dressing right, doing various tricks and even singing. One of his most famous students goes by the name of Himesh... But his first love still remain horses - 2 of them - Sheetal and Rancho.

5. Yedi Tai - A Maharashtrian mill worker. Hobbies include Mehendi tattooing. Works for Mad-O-Wot in Bandra on weekends. She is in a lot of demand esp during weddings - grooms need to be tattooed. She is also a staunch supporter of the SHIV Ha-SENA, so most of her tattooes generally consist of lions and shivaji maharaj (in deep orange coloured paste).

6. Chu Mafatlal - Owns a ISO 2140.98 certified plastic factory in Wadala. Creates items like bags and headgear for men (read hair-bands). Used to work for Du-Point, but got kicked out due to a drinking problem - he never used to drink at company gatherings!

Wot is the connection you ask? All of them got large orders from a place in Mumbai called 'PRATEEKSHA" couple of days back...

(I HAD to write a post on this shit! As a journalism student I am a bit concerned! Wot has our media come to? Is this news? Will ANYONE respect the media anymore? I don't even wanna think about it!)

One night @ Mocha - WTF!!!

2007-04-01T15:31:00.000+05:30

Y ON EARTH DO PEOPLE GO TO MOCHA's? Had been to Mocha's yesterday (the one @ Nirmal Lifestyle) and man am I pissed!! Shitty ambience, expensive but non-filling food and absolutely pathetic service... this is my second experience (first being the one @ Hiranandani sometime back) and yesterday's trip just confirmed my thoughts on relentless mushrooming of overpriced 'hangouts' like Mocha...

Ppl who know me know that I am NEITHER sooo poor that I can't afford the food/snacks there NOR am I someone who thinks wearing jeans is ruining Indian culture, so I hope that clears out any doubt on me being a wannabe ghati posting random rants to get my blog numbers ticking... coming back to the point, I can't seem to get over the fact that people go to such 'hangouts' in hordes and sit around on old chairs/gaddis (which look like the ones my mom threw out yesterday), surrounded by curtains (which look like they've been cut out from those marchardani nets that you get on the roadside) and smoke away 300 bucks on 'flavoured steam'!!!

So, is it that place cool u ask? Personally, I don't think so... there are 'cooler' places to hang-out and have fun than a place like Mocha where one look at the ceiling makes me feel like a plumber/electrician with all those pipes/uninsulated wires running around... Y then? India's economy is booming, the purchasing power has gone up and we have a richer middle-class?? My ***! Is the food filling? NO - @ Mocha's, exhorbitant prices is not equal to a full stomach, mind you... so, is it the 'world-class' service? HELL NO - I have been to cheaper places where the customer service is much much better that the one at Mocha's.. me thinks they recruit people only once in the entire lifetime of an outlet and don't give a shit even if the customers outnumber the staff 15:1...

So, y the hell did I goto Mocha's the second time if I wasn't happy the first time around and y am I ranting about it now? Well, for starters THIS IS MY BLOG... secondly, both the times I was almost forced to go as most of the people wanted to smoke 'hukka' and so I had to tag along... 2 reasons I think -
1. A Perceived sense of 'coolness'
2. A place where there is no one to disturb you as you slump back in the chair and endlessly keep staring at the ceiling or chatter away wid frndz without being disturbed..!

But does it have to be so over-priced? can't the place be a bit more polished? better customer service? Am I asking for too much... I dn't think so!

Random Thoughts - 6

2007-03-27T06:30:00.000+05:30

Rumour has it that all the hospitals in Mumbai are gonna replace oxygen cylinders with bottles of Manikchand's OXYRICH mineral water...... hmmm, I wonder why?!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

2007-02-14T00:44:00.000+05:30

A very Happy Valentine's Day to evr1 whos got a GF/BF,

A big 'Love-day' (pun intended) to the ones who don't!!!

We are the Champions..!

2007-01-31T19:29:00.000+05:30

TATA has acquired Corus....YEAH!

This is ONE of the BEST moments in Indian biz history.... I am proud of you, Sir.Ratan Tata!

Heres the leaderboard standing after the deal....

TOP TEN GLOBAL STEELMAKERS

Rank - Company Name - Capacity
1 Arcelor-Mittal (Luxembourg) 109.7 MT
2 Nippon Steel (Japan) 32.0 MT
3 Posco (South Korea) 30.5 MT
4 JFE (Japan) 29.9 MT
5 Tata-Corus (India) 23.8 MT
6 Baosteel (China) 22.7 MT
7 US Steel (USA) 19.3 MT
8 Nucor (USA) 18.4 MT
9 Riva (Italy) 17.5 MT
10 ThyssenKrupp (Germany) 16.5 MT

WE WON..... suckers!!!

As one of my close friend says, "EAT SHIT!"... rather "EAT STEEL!" (demonic laugh..)

Read More:
1. Rediff - Full Coverage
2. Reuters
3. BusinessWeek
4. Business Standard

For whom the cell tolls!

2006-12-25T11:46:00.000+05:30

This is a take off on a song by Metallica "For whom the bell tolls" (original lyrics)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make his call from the hill in the early days
Constant error deep inside
Roaming cell, with (it) they run through the endless gray
A voice from the other end says, "Kaun hai be?"
For a cell, men would kill. Why? They do not know
Mobile cos test their pride
Men of five, still alive through the raging glow
Gone insane from the disconnection that they surely know

For whom the cell tolls
the battery goes down
For whom the cell tolls

Take a look to the sky before the network dies
It's the last time you will
Blackened roar, massive roar, fills the crumbling sky
Shattered reception fills his cell with a ruthless cry
Stranger now are his ears to this mystery
He hears the static so loud
Crack of dawn, all is gone except the bill to be
Now they see what will be, roaming charges bhi

For whom the cell tolls
the network goes down
For whom the cell tolls
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Motorola unveils new Adnan Sami series of phones!

2006-10-26T00:05:00.000+05:30

Motorola Announces Exclusive Agreement with Adnan Sami

Jhumri Talaya, India – 32 Septmbre 2036 – After the astounding success of its Moto Razr range of slim phones, Motorola today announced the signing of the fattest property in professional singing – Adnan Sami, as a global brand ambassador for its new ultra-heavy edition called – (MOTU) HIPPO. The three-year collaboration with Adnan Sami will kick-off with major activities across Asia including advertising appearances (wherever he can be accommodated) and extensive retail promotions rolled out across the network of Motorola stores and distributors throughout the region.The deal also includes the license to embed exclusive Adnan content – such as screen savers and video clips of the star in action (with Amisha and Rani) – in Motorola handsets. The handset will have a huge 5” inch screen (for obvious reasons) and will come with pre-loaded tunes such as ‘Lift Karade…’ and ‘Tera Chehra…’ and 2000x2400 wallpapers (so that atleast half of Adnan can be seen on-screen.) Adnan, when contacted, commented, “ Waise bhi kafi time se kuch record deals nahi mil raha tha, phir mere dost halkat Pinto ne mujhe bataya ki Motorola was looking out for an artist to start a new ‘series’ of phones, so I stepped in. Actually, I stepped ON (giggles, shaking like a jelly) the Retail Marketing VP’s foot and he is still recuperating at the R.E.M hospital”. “You see, you see the pun – stepped IN, stepped ON, haan? haan? Damn, I’m so funny!!!”The bed-ridden VP of Retail Marketing at Motorola Mobile Devices said, “We're very excited about this collaboration for ourselves, our customers and our consumers. Adnan Sami is a global XXXL icon and we look forward to working with him across a range of projects. In particular, we're delighted that he'll be using his immense popularity to help promote (MOTU) HIPPO."

The company has also entered into a joint venture with Wire Iron Plastic Steelpipe & Paper Products (WIPSPP) for an image makeover and a series of new ads. A new mascot will be unveiled; probably an overweight st.bernard running behind Adnan (wherever your elephant goes, our dog follows!) and the new adline is goin to be – HELLO MOTU.

- CruciFire (Correspondent, Unassociated Press)

Happy Diwali!!!

2006-10-22T14:45:00.000+05:30

Wish U All A Very Happy Diwali And A Prosperous New Year...

Random Thoughts - 5

2006-10-05T05:25:00.001+05:30

If Google comes out with a watch, will we have to 'search' for sometime???

... I wonder!

ARMAGEDDON is back...

2006-08-26T13:27:00.000+05:30

...And he gathered them together into a place called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon...
- Revelations 16:16 (King James Version)

ARMAGEDDON-2006

Sinister shadows shroud the World,

Death-knell signal doom,

No magic shall shield thee,

Sheer knowledge be thy savior.

Let the war begin...

Introduced in the year 2001, ARMAGEDDON is a Business Quiz organised by the BMS students of Mulund College of Commerce, Mumbai.

Armageddon-2005 witnessed a congregation of the best business quizzing brains from across the country. The onstage finale saw Amit Pandeya (QuestaSoft) and Kiran K (Qualteam) vanquishing the likes of Mitesh Agarwal and Ajay Kasargod (Sun Microsystems / WYSE Technologies), Rohan Khanna and Gajendra Kothari (Accenture / UTI AMC), Gururaj and Vijay (JWT / JP Morgan), G Sreekanth and Sabyasachi (TCS) and Arvind Khusape and Aniruddh (SBI / SIES) to clinch the coveted title.

The torchbearers of hardcore biz quizzing are back with Armageddon 2006, and promise to unleash a whole new world of knowledge excellence.

The quiz will comprise of a Written Elims from which the Top 6 teams will go through to the Finals.

Following are the details:

Date & Time: 10th September at 12 noon

Team Members: Two per team(A Team can comprise of participants from two different institutions / organisations)

Entry Fee: Free for students and Rs. 150 per team for Corporates

Venue: Mulund College of Commerce, Sarojini Naidu Road,Mulund (W), Bombay - 400080

Prizes:
First - Rs. 25000
Second - Rs. 15000
Third - Rs. 10000

Spykar gift vouchers worth Rs. 5000 to all teams in the finals.

For further details: Samruddhi - 09833524561 OR mail armareturns@gmail.com or dhanu80@rediffmail.com

Here are a few questions from Armageddon-2005

1. It was unveiled on Oct 12, 1988 in a packed Davis Symphony Hall in San Francisco, by demonstrating its ability to run four stopwatches at once and give a synthetic rendition of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech. What?

2. Edward Bellamy, a lawyer and author, in his utopian book "Looking Backward: 2000-1887" described a society where transactions would essentially be conducted between the consumer and the Government and every citizen would have a share of the annual product of the nation. What term did he coin as a result?

3. Its roots can be traced back to 1979 when William Bernbach got the inspiration from banks who were offering toasters and electric blankets to their best customers and to new customers for opening accounts. It was launched on May 1, 1981 under the name 'AAdvantage'. What?

4. Introduced in the 1870s, there are currently four in number and are operated simultaneously. Measuring 18 inches in diameter, they were manufactured by the G S Edwards Company of Connecticut. In the late 1980s, it was decided to refurbish them and add another one as a back-up. However, it was discovered that such of its kind were no longer being made by any company. Hence, G S Edwards Co. agreed to make a special replica and brought employees out of retirement to handle the job. While this was being done, an older one was discovered, which was polished and is now used as a spare one. What am I referring to?

5. A short film titled 'True', directed by Charles Stone III featured his childhood friends Fred Thomas, Paul Williams and Scott Brooks who would sit around using the catch-phrase '_______'. It caught the attention of copywriter Vinny Warren who signed Stone to direct television commercials for a brand based on the film. Identify the brand / catch-phrase.

QUIZ TILL THOU DROPETH DEAD!!!

Random Thoughts - 4

2006-08-17T15:26:00.000+05:30

Did u guys know that when a new Pope is elected, the votes are burned in such a way that white smoke comes out and when a decision has not been made, the votes are burned in a way to let out black smoke?!

Sometimes, I wonder... wot wud happen if grey smoke comes out?

A POP(E)AT perhaps....

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

2006-08-15T13:07:00.000+05:30

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

The Himesh Saga - Part II (Final Part)

2006-07-28T19:58:00.000+05:30

With 10 rupees, a torn cap and the lego mike in his hand, he set forth for Bollywood. En route to Mumbai via the Pune expressway, he came across a resort at Igatpuri and decided to stay there overnight.

Manager: Good evening sir, how may I help you?
Himesh: OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo a room..I need, I need, I need a roooom…
Manager: Y to sing? Can’t you just converse normally, EVER? let me c, since you’ve checked in so late, it might be difficult to find a vacant room…
Manager (after 5 mins of searching): Sorry sir, there is no room vacant right now…
Himesh: What hell is the u talking? Koi room nahi? Not even the loos?

(Suddenly, out of nowhere a well-dressed man in a suit appears there with a book in his hand.)

The Man: Sir, from you above conversational I sees that your english is not only pathetic but also third-rate…I am Mr.Pandeyji and I have started this Englis-espeaking course… just 1 month and we will teaches you how to espeak in englis fluentsly… Personal attention and Non-stop practice sir….
Himesh: who the fuck is u man? (turning to the manager) who the fuck is he?
Manager: I have no idea sir…
(POOF…The man disappears…)
Manager: Coming back to our original problem sir…there is no vacant room!!
*Himesh (red in his face with anger): WOT!!! What the hell am I supposed to do now? (Bangs his hand on the desk)

(Scene: A hot-water spring erupts somewhere… A dog circles around trying to catch his own tail... A nullah overflows... fish piss in water... donkeys mate...)

*When Himesh gets angry…. SOMETHINGS happen SOMEWHERE!!!

Finally, after much deliberation Himesh agrees to sleep in the kitchen.

In the middle of the night, Himesh is suddenly awakened by a strong light source in his room. He puts on his cap and gets up to investigate and he is over-awed at what he sees… (*BLING-BLING*) Decked with all the latest in gold jewellery, there’s Bappida (on a cow) standing right in front of him with one arm held straight up as if blessing Himesh….

Bappida: Get up moron… oops, I mean my son….
Himesh: Oh Bappida, YOU yourself have come here to bless me? Oh I am so unfortunate; I mean so fortunate to see you… pls advise me…
Bappida: I will ask you 3 questions, if u answer them correctly u will become the next big thing…. first question – Who brought rock & roll/disco into India?
Himesh: YOU who else….
The cow moos.
Bappida: Good… second question – Which great person used to give the kinda music that today’s music directors compose?
Himesh: YOU Bappida…
The cow moos and nods his head in approval.
Bappida: Haha great… last question – What is the cube of 13?
Himesh (after much thinking): SUROOR!!!
Bappida: Spot-on… you are destined to become the next big thing my son…AMEN!

Before he can go back to sleep, he feels a sudden urge to pee and this urge contributed to penning one of his first songs… Loo Ki Smooth Deewaron pe…. Yes that’s the one!!!

After arriving at Mumbai, he tries his hand at odd jobs for some money – a cow-dung cleaner, a crash test dummy, a beggar and a kabadi-wala. Some of his other odd jobs (and the resulting songs) include-

Undertaker – Jhalak dikla ja… Ek baar aaja aaja (some people also consider the origin of this song to be his constipation; me thinks his other song – Aare, aare, aare, aare aa owes its origin to his potty problem)
BMC cleaner – Tum naale main, Tum gatar mein, Utar gayeaaaa….
Theme song composer (for my college’s National-level business quiz - ARMAGEDDON) – Jane kitne ARMA, ARMA, ARMA….

…and well finally he got his break with shirtless khan’s Pyar Kiya Toh Darna Kya in 1998 and as the done-to-death cliché goes – REST IS HISTORY!!!

Some excerpts from Himesh dude’s TIMES interview and my take on them -

Himesh – I have 1000 compositions ready in the bank, and can offer six variations of the same to any director any time.
Crucifire – Yeah right!… considering that he make around 5 remixes of every single song, I wonder how many songs he actually has…

Himesh – One hundred and fifty crore people can’t be wrong!
Crucifire – How I wish u know how wrong they are! I don’t think counting the 1, 49, 99,999 people who are MADE to listen to your crap against their free will as being hardcore fans is right….

Himesh - …there is divine intervention in everything I do…
Crucifire – Boss, shudn’t it be BOVINE intervention… Bappida ko bhool gaya kya?

Himesh – And then as a music director I listened to my own song to find out how singer HR sounded and I liked what I heard.
Crucifire – Dude, sometimes cassettes get changed as people forget to label them… just in case it was yours for sure – Dr.Chedda, Nasal and Ear Specialist, Red Light Area, Kamathipura (E).

Himesh – We have successfully created the concept of a rock star with the ‘Suroor’ video…He (school-friend Prashant Chaddha) suggested that I wear a cap and grow a beard.
Crucifire – ROCK STAR!! ROTFL….. F*****, u have any idea who a rock star is? If I ever get to meet that Chaddha guy, I’ll strangle his neck….

Himesh – With my new look I have also been getting offer for acting… a Bryan Adams or Michel Jackson doesn’t need to act in films…
Crucifire – Acting in wot? MMS clips? And u’ve got the b**** to compare urself to a Bryan Adams and Michel Jackson!! KUTTE…

Himesh – I am here as long as it lasts…
Crucifire – DEAD ON..!

(Final confessions – With all due respect to a couple of songs with good MUSIC that he has composed in early days, he has become a nightmare now… Spare us from the vocal torture Himesh bhai… A music director is supposed to compose music and not sing….)

I M Comin' and FREE eBooks!!!

2006-07-19T05:19:00.000+05:30

Hello Ppl,

Its been a loooooooong time since I updated my dear blog... technical problems, personal problems, bloggers' block and just plain lazy at times...

Btw, for the people who didn't already know, there is a World eBook Fair going on right now to celebrate 35 years of Project Gutenberg and guess wot? they are giving away almost 330,000+ eBooks totally FREE...

Download them from here: - http://worldebookfair.com/

...I will be back! Asta la Vista baby!!!

Random Thoughts - 3

2006-06-11T11:37:00.000+05:30

I wonder.... If Jhumpa Lahiri writes a book on Birth Control, wot wud be its title?

Interpreter of Mala - D's ... probably......

The HIMESH Saga - Part I

2006-06-04T23:19:00.000+05:30

Disclaimer: If Any Of U Takes This Seriously…They will be hooked on to a chair with headphones and made to listen to every single hit of Himesh over and over and over again…Punishment being Prescribed Under Section XXX of “Freedom Of Speech For The Mute” Act of 3005 A.H (After Himesh)

Loo ki smooth deewaron pe,
Deewaron pe,

Pee hai Tera tera,
Pee hai tera tera,

(well the one above is not the exact version but I’ll tell you the funda later…)

One of the many ubiquitous songs that you will hear all around u, blaring from literally every corner of the street…and as the cliché goes – love him, hate him, u just can’t ignore him…he is the one and only - Himesh Reshammiya, the only worthy competitor to a donkey and Anu malik (aren’t both one and the same….wotever!) until now... He is omnipresent, omnipotent, impotent..BUT do any of u know the real story behind this i-wont-give-my-money-to-gillette, unwashed-for-years-cap-wearing, evolution-not-yet-complete creature…

It all started in Somalia… born in a small two-room hut, the only lighting that his tiny home had was a single ray of sun that fell upon his bald head while he used to play with a LEGO mike in his hand.. though his family cud barely manage 3 meals a day, they somehow didn’t quite like the idea of their son being all black when he wud grow up (due the aforementioned ray of sunlight), so guess wot? they bought him a cap from the the nearby kachra-kundi.

He absolutely loved donning the cap every single freaking day of his pithy life (which continues even till today!!) and staring at the sole sun-ray, which btw fell at a precise angle of 45.5 degrees against the floor…. He had no idea that one day this sun-staring ordeal would take a toll on his neck and permanently paralyze him into looking at the ceiling, and give a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘looking upto’ someone/something… Years passed by and this unnamed stupid boy kept making weird noises with his LEGO mike held up high… the first ever sound he made brought the whole animal kingdom to his home… ooooooooooOOOOOO ...

Lion (to other animals) – Wasn’t Tarzan a fictional character created by Edgar Burroghs, who the hell is this?

Elephant – This is no Tarzan or Phantom or Mowgli… Haven’t you seen one of those Krishna serials? A baby boy has been born to a couple living in the forest and he seems to have magical powers… It is said that this boy was a donkey-okapi-whale hybrid in his previous life…

Lion – Hmm, then I guess there’s nothing to be afraid of… anyways, he seems to have inherited all those qualities (wrong word!) of his previous life… god save us… going by the fact that another animal hybrid (read Anu Malik) is making big bucks in Bollywood as a music director and part-time brayer (yippee, new word…), I’m sure this boy will go on to be bigger and harsher than Anu Malik…. AMEN!!!

By the time he was 10, he had been the butt of all jokes at forest meetings (with animals obviously..) and had made a name for himself as a pro at mud-slinging… on amavasya day, he was christened HIMESH (Hi, I M Established SHit) by the local Hakuna-Matata baby care center… As days passed, Himesh was getting sick and bored of ‘hanging around’ with his jungle friends, he wanted to do something different and creative, his stupid intellect and moronic antics notwithstanding… He decided to come to Bollywood… a place where every tom, dick and harry could roam about making absolutely pathetic movies with even-more pathetic songs and dim-witted singers/song writers/choreographers et all...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Random Thoughts - 2

2006-05-30T13:39:00.001+05:30

I wonder... in the loo, why is it that the commode closest to the door gets pee(d) upon the most...

Worst Case Scenario

2006-05-22T21:04:00.000+05:30

Scenario 1: (Hospital - A couple of ward boys (WB) come running in with an injured man on a stretcher)

WB – Doctor saab, doctor saab, please come fast and attend to this person here…he’s met with an accident and is quite critical.. probably his neck is broken, spinal cord ruptured…

Doc (munching on his snack) – Spinal cord kya?rupture?punture? (Laughs) Don’t u guys know that I have NEVER attended to such cases even though I am supposed to be.. I don’t have time now…moreover, I dn’t know A,B,C,D of bones AND I was never made for this…Find some other dude…

Scenario 2: (Doctor coming out with a couple of nurses from the Operation Theatre)

Doc (winking at one of the nurses) – Hey babes, didn’t I tell u that I was a born genious!! Wah, wot an operation…wot a surgery…

Nurse (without looking at the doc) – Yeah right…anyways, looks like it has been a long operation…wots the time now?

Doc (pointing towards his wrist) – Sweetheart, look at this new watch…

Nurse (giving a bewildered look) – Wot watch? Where?

Doc (totally shocked) – Hey bhagwaan, whr’s my new watch… Operation Theater ke andar jaane ke pehle toh tha mere haath pe… (scratches his half-bald head) OH MY GOD!!!

I know the scenarios above are bit a far-fetched to be true… but wot the hell!!!

DO WE REALLY NEED RESERVATIONS?

You know you have been playing Unreal Tournament for quite a long time when...

2006-05-21T16:32:00.000+05:30

You run around the whole house looking for the ‘INVISIBILITY’ when your mom comes pestering behind you to get some housework done.

When you sleep, you dream of missiles and shock beams being fired straight at you!

You are so bored of a particular lecture that you throw a Frisbee at the teacher in an attempt to ‘TELEFRAG’ him/her.

You go into the toilet hoping to come out of the bathroom.

You occasionally run to the top of your terrace and climb on top of the water tank looking for the ‘SHIELD BELT’.

After donning the belt, you try to jump on to the other building thinking that you are in ‘MORPHEUS’. (Warning: This could end up reducing the number of members in your family by 1.)

On Independence Day, u along with four of ur friends run to top of various bldgs to capture the flags to earn points.

U try to frag ur brother cause you are wearing all red and he is denim-clad.

Then, u run around fragging ur family and neighbours aiming for an ‘ULTRA KILL’.

U occasionally look under ur bed, sofa and the cupboard searching for reinforcements.

Your vocab changes: Neighbours = Bots, Colony = Map

Finally, when someone gets hurt in ur house, u run around screaming ‘MEDIC’.

You call ur brother Kragoth, ur sister Ivana and cousins Drimacus, Botanika and Rhea.

Parental Advisory!

2006-05-15T21:48:00.000+05:30

Parental Advisory: Please DO NOT consume (or let your children/collegues/relatives consume) the new 'Chikkers' at any cost. All the lovey-dovey, sugar-coated, honey-dipped, jaggery-soaked ads that you see in the local trains don't tell u the most important thing – the name of its manufacturer/owner.

After indepth inspection, it has come to moi notice that this brand is owned by non-other than the 'strongest' company in India - PIDLITE.

Oh btw, for the uninformed, Pidlite's other famous brands include Fevicol, Fevikwik and Dr.Fixit. So, you can probably imagine ur plight after biting into a ‘Chikkers’…u’ll be like Keanu Reeves from Matrix…wot use is a phone Mr.Anderson, if ur unable to speak…?!

Dimaag Ka Dahi...

2006-05-12T11:00:00.000+05:30

Yo Ppl,

Starting a new 'non-quotable' quotes section (right hand side, just above the clock) whr u'll find some of the whackiest quotes ever quoted...Omg kitna baar 'quote, quote'..!

Business Management and Life

2006-05-01T18:04:00.000+05:30

You get up early in the morning and find that your toothpaste tube is out. You squash it, roll it up and squeeze it to bring out whatever little is left inside so that there is an ‘optimum utilization’ of the available resources. After that, you sit to have your Maggi and all the while keep fooling around with its wrapper trying to find out the manufacturer’s name, country of origin and the marketer’s name for a business quiz. Your mom ‘delegates’ the buying of the groceries to you because she has run out of her ‘inventory’. Not wanting to venture out, you ‘outsource’ the job to your younger brother by explaining to him that it is your ‘non-core’ activity.

You wade through the pile of case-studies, exam papers and notes in your bedroom to finally reach to the PC and then sit down to do your projects. Just when it seems that the project is complete enough to be printed out, the printer just stops working! Now, what should you do so as to reduce your ‘lead time’ of taking out the printouts and the ‘crash the process time’ of reaching the college? You start off with a ‘mission’ to reach college from home with little (pocket money) ‘operating cost’ (because mom is trying to ‘cut costs’) , jump on your dad’s ‘capital investment’ (new bike) and off you go to the nearest BPO outfit – the printoutwalla. In your urgency to abide by your ‘targets/deadlines’, you fail to see thorough his effective CRM and subtle marketing strategies and end up increasing his net sales by 1% and gross profits by 0.5%.

You somehow reach college JIT (Just-in-time) for the attendance and escape being given a VRS to sit at home. The teacher gives back a ‘performance appraisal’ report (mark sheet) to the whole class and you pride on the fact that the ‘strategic alliance’ with your neighbour during the exams finally worked. You do your presentations cribbing about the PowerPoint version all the time, forget a classmate’s birthday inspite of having the phone chain and pick a fight with a popular friend for gaining ‘a share of the market’ (attention from girls) from him. After the class gets over, you calmly retreat to your residential resort wondering how the no of projects u do exceeds the no of movies and parties u go to and whether globalization was started by Mr. T.N.Seshan!

...............Well, the above post is also dedicated to the all the MCC-BMS students, past and present.....

Political Timepass!!!

2006-04-27T07:03:00.000+05:30

Mr.George's Bushisms have been a treat for a lot of us for quite sometime now... Frankly, I sometimes marvel at the pure genius of the guy (Big Brother) who actually writes those totally awesome speeches for that dumbo to read out....

Btw, here's a chance to play Big Brother... I came across this nifty website that actually lets you create customized speeches for Mr.Bush and later make him read it out too, in his own squeaky voice..!

http://www.actofme.co.uk/bush_speech/bushspeechwriter.html

check it out, its damn cool....

Crystal Ball Gazing...

2006-04-23T18:11:00.000+05:30

I am a man with a vision, foursight... Someone who has been getting blurry visions... whose intution works quite good sometimes..... I see my future and this is wot it is - I will be losing focus of my goals... financial problems are to beseige me... my life will become colourless with nothing to 'look' forward too... the road to my final destination will be all hazy... my actions will lack clarity...

All this till coming Tuesday morning... I broke my glasses yesterday!!!

Random Thoughts - 1

2006-04-18T12:02:00.000+05:30

Just a random thought.... Wot wud have been John's nickname if his surname was Lemon (i.e John Lemon)?

I guess, he would have been called a VOLKSWAGEN BEATLE!!!

Apunka First Post

2006-04-15T16:30:00.000+05:30

Hi All,

After a long, long, long time ....finally my OWN blog (yipeee!).. With a lot of my dear friends - Dhanu, KK, Ashwin & Surya already into blogging way before me, I was waiting to jump-in...but due to (much cliched) "technical problems" was unable to do so.... So here goes my first post...

This article/writeup was written by me during my journalism days at St.Xavier's...The assignment was to weave a story around the words marked in red.....

Btw, it won the "Best Humorous Story" prize - a Cadbury Perk!!!

(I would recommend u keep a dictionary in hand before you start reading the post...)

(This is a parody of one of the relatively famous incidents (scenes) of Mahabharata – wherein the Pandavas are being trained in archery by Guru Dhronacharya.)

Courtesy their lenient parents, the five affluent and audaciously intrepid Pandavas go to attend a clandestine National-level seminar on “Guerilla Warfare”, organised by the notorious gay demagogue Shiv Khera (SK of ‘You Can Kill’ fame).

SK: Welcome to this enervating and anomalous one hour seminar on how to kill people accurately with AK-47’s and launchers. Firstly, there would be a ‘bulls-eye’ simulation test for examining the ocular accuracy of budding tyros. So, let’s start with the magnanimous, naive Prince Yudhistir……

(A phlegmatic and taciturn launcher-trotting Yudhistir comes and stands besides the prurient SK who sensuously whacks Yudhistir’s butt.)

SK: Oops! Sorry for that inveterate gesture of mine. So Prince Yudhistir, tell me whether you can spot a person at that bunker?

Yudhistir: (giving a baffled and apathetic look) No man, I don’t see anyone there.

SK: Please consult an ophthalmologist. Ok, Prince Arjun you come next.

(A disheveled Arjun comes with an AK and stands beside SK, who repeats himself.)

SK: I apologise, PEACE. Prince Arjun, can you see a person at that bunker?

(Arjun incorrigibly shoots a guy down and leaves, and almost instantly an NDTV reporter and cameraman appear there shouting “News first!”)

SK: Incredible!!! Oh ‘Gourmet Prince’ Bhima, you are next.

(Repulsively, Prince Bhima tries but shoots down a plane and Al-Qaida frisks him away. Next, the loquacious Nakula tries circumspectly but shoots down a dog and a mob of antipathetic and cacophonic PETA supporters squash him close to sending his body for autopsy.)

SK: Unequivocally egregious!!!

(A congenitally neurotic Sahadev supersedes Nakula and tries his luck but his Uzi bullet ricochets off a vacillating metal plate and instantly kills martinet SK. Game Over.)

Hope u guys liked it....and yes...this is NOT my general style of writing...