Hi Guys,

I've been writing 69-word, theme-based stories for the digital lifestyle magazine, The Brown Scooter, every month.

Read off and let me know what you think/feel :)


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The Himesh Saga - Part II (Final Part)

With 10 rupees, a torn cap and the lego mike in his hand, he set forth for Bollywood. En route to Mumbai via the Pune expressway, he came across a resort at Igatpuri and decided to stay there overnight.

Manager: Good evening sir, how may I help you?
Himesh: OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo a room..I need, I need, I need a roooom…
Manager: Y to sing? Can’t you just converse normally, EVER? let me c, since you’ve checked in so late, it might be difficult to find a vacant room…
Manager (after 5 mins of searching): Sorry sir, there is no room vacant right now…
Himesh: What hell is the u talking? Koi room nahi? Not even the loos?

(Suddenly, out of nowhere a well-dressed man in a suit appears there with a book in his hand.)

The Man: Sir, from you above conversational I sees that your english is not only pathetic but also third-rate…I am Mr.Pandeyji and I have started this Englis-espeaking course… just 1 month and we will teaches you how to espeak in englis fluentsly… Personal attention and Non-stop practice sir….
Himesh: who the fuck is u man? (turning to the manager) who the fuck is he?
Manager: I have no idea sir…
(POOF…The man disappears…)
Manager: Coming back to our original problem sir…there is no vacant room!!
*Himesh (red in his face with anger): WOT!!! What the hell am I supposed to do now? (Bangs his hand on the desk)

(Scene: A hot-water spring erupts somewhere… A dog circles around trying to catch his own tail... A nullah overflows... fish piss in water... donkeys mate...)

*When Himesh gets angry…. SOMETHINGS happen SOMEWHERE!!!

Finally, after much deliberation Himesh agrees to sleep in the kitchen.

In the middle of the night, Himesh is suddenly awakened by a strong light source in his room. He puts on his cap and gets up to investigate and he is over-awed at what he sees… (*BLING-BLING*) Decked with all the latest in gold jewellery, there’s Bappida (on a cow) standing right in front of him with one arm held straight up as if blessing Himesh….

Bappida: Get up moron… oops, I mean my son….
Himesh: Oh Bappida, YOU yourself have come here to bless me? Oh I am so unfortunate; I mean so fortunate to see you… pls advise me…
Bappida: I will ask you 3 questions, if u answer them correctly u will become the next big thing…. first question – Who brought rock & roll/disco into India?
Himesh: YOU who else….
The cow moos.
Bappida: Good… second question – Which great person used to give the kinda music that today’s music directors compose?
Himesh: YOU Bappida…
The cow moos and nods his head in approval.
Bappida: Haha great… last question – What is the cube of 13?
Himesh (after much thinking): SUROOR!!!
Bappida: Spot-on… you are destined to become the next big thing my son…AMEN!

Before he can go back to sleep, he feels a sudden urge to pee and this urge contributed to penning one of his first songs… Loo Ki Smooth Deewaron pe…. Yes that’s the one!!!

After arriving at Mumbai, he tries his hand at odd jobs for some money – a cow-dung cleaner, a crash test dummy, a beggar and a kabadi-wala. Some of his other odd jobs (and the resulting songs) include-

Undertaker – Jhalak dikla ja… Ek baar aaja aaja (some people also consider the origin of this song to be his constipation; me thinks his other song – Aare, aare, aare, aare aa owes its origin to his potty problem)
BMC cleaner – Tum naale main, Tum gatar mein, Utar gayeaaaa….
Theme song composer (for my college’s National-level business quiz - ARMAGEDDON) – Jane kitne ARMA, ARMA, ARMA….

…and well finally he got his break with shirtless khan’s Pyar Kiya Toh Darna Kya in 1998 and as the done-to-death cliché goes – REST IS HISTORY!!!

Some excerpts from Himesh dude’s TIMES interview and my take on them -

Himesh – I have 1000 compositions ready in the bank, and can offer six variations of the same to any director any time.
Crucifire – Yeah right!… considering that he make around 5 remixes of every single song, I wonder how many songs he actually has…

Himesh – One hundred and fifty crore people can’t be wrong!
Crucifire – How I wish u know how wrong they are! I don’t think counting the 1, 49, 99,999 people who are MADE to listen to your crap against their free will as being hardcore fans is right….

Himesh - …there is divine intervention in everything I do…
Crucifire – Boss, shudn’t it be BOVINE intervention… Bappida ko bhool gaya kya?

Himesh – And then as a music director I listened to my own song to find out how singer HR sounded and I liked what I heard.
Crucifire – Dude, sometimes cassettes get changed as people forget to label them… just in case it was yours for sure – Dr.Chedda, Nasal and Ear Specialist, Red Light Area, Kamathipura (E).

Himesh – We have successfully created the concept of a rock star with the ‘Suroor’ video…He (school-friend Prashant Chaddha) suggested that I wear a cap and grow a beard.
Crucifire – ROCK STAR!! ROTFL….. F*****, u have any idea who a rock star is? If I ever get to meet that Chaddha guy, I’ll strangle his neck….

Himesh – With my new look I have also been getting offer for acting… a Bryan Adams or Michel Jackson doesn’t need to act in films…
Crucifire – Acting in wot? MMS clips? And u’ve got the b**** to compare urself to a Bryan Adams and Michel Jackson!! KUTTE…

Himesh – I am here as long as it lasts…
Crucifire – DEAD ON..!

(Final confessions – With all due respect to a couple of songs with good MUSIC that he has composed in early days, he has become a nightmare now… Spare us from the vocal torture Himesh bhai… A music director is supposed to compose music and not sing….)

25 comments:

Kanch said...

JK you rock!!

Anonymous said...

liked the Part 1 much much better

Shri said...

Nice one da..

Still cant believe he said those statements in his interview..speciialy tat thing abt the rockstar concept..

K.K. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
K.K. said...

aahista, aahista ..... another song which you missed out is also interlinked to the potty problem ....

was in office when I read this and asked a few of my colleagues to read and all of us were ROFLMAO.

Nandita said...

Hey .. u forget to take on his on-screen "crying" ability.. guess he is aiming for oscar.. did he really compare himself to Bryan Adams??? argh!

Hey have u posted this on " I HATE HIMESH " ?

Dinesh nambiar said...

was in splits for the first half of the post...gud 1

CruciFire said...

@ Kanch - thanx a lot yaar... will call u back sometime this week...

@ Anonymous - I dunno who u r, wud have loved to know ur name... nywyas, i too thought that the first one was a bit more humourous but theek hai yaar... all I want is to make a few ppl happy for atlest 15 mins....

@ Shri - thanx patti, YES he actually said all those... of all nerve...

@ KK - Oh yeah... chod anyways and thnx for other letting other ppl know yaar...

@ Nandita - Hmm, the crying one is quite recent na, dint quite rmbr nahi toh shayad marta saale ki... OH YES he did say all those, I have the BUZZ copy with me... Yes have posted...

@ Dinesh - Thanx a lot dear bro... pass it on...

nandu(dinesh's friend) said...

well,like everyone, liked ur first part...its difficult to continue from the same context for the second one..neways had a gud time readin

Surya Ragunaathan said...

Dont you say anything against Himes...Am offended...Himes Bhai Total source of entertainement hai...Ekdum Smasssing!!
And ya, Music Directors may sing if they CAN...Like THE GOD - Rehman.

Anju said...

Its hilarious....me thinks u really have a knack of making things appear comical....

real good read....keep up the good work...

Ramadhyani said...

Damn hilarious!! Though I'm a fan of Himesh.....it was very very funny.

Great work dude.....keep it going!! Expecting more of this kind in the days to come. (Choose more people....probably Emraan Hashmi?? :)

CruciFire said...

@ Nandu - Hey, thnx a lot... yup i know, actually thought a lot on whether to keep stretching this series by actually following Himesh all the way from Somalia to Pune/Mumbai and other places but then decided not to... a good joke shud never be stretched too far... it becomes a bore... thnx 4 visiting btw...

@ Surya - Arre nalayak, aisa general comment kya marta hai re... wud have loved a post-specific comment, nyways sorry for hurting ur sentiments for Himesh (ROTFL)... yes Rahman rocks, thr r always xcptions to rules..

@ Anju - Thanx a lot da... well, i know i do....and am happy that i have that ability of making others happy... (voices from back of my head - aila, kya philosophy phek raha hai dekh!!)

@ Ram - Thanx a million sir... just dn't keep high xpctations... accha kuch likh nahi paya toh dukhi ho jaoonga...

Shalaka said...

gud one!
was absolutely stunned after knowing his comments in the interview..GOWD!
keep it up.

Shells(Shaily if u dunno) said...

hey jk it was a good post!Enjoyed the interview part.The man shud be banned from singing and also has the audacity of comparing himself wid bryan adams...weirdo!but somehow I enjoyed reading Part 1 more!Keep up the good work!

CruciFire said...

@ Shalaka & Shaily - Thanx a lot for the comments... YES he actually said all those, can u believe that!!

Rajiv Iyer said...

Me for a change preferred the 2nd one! Kool way to end the Himass Gaychammiya saga once n for all! Am hopin the bearded git himself reads it! LOL! :P

CruciFire said...

@ rajiv - okay thats weird... nyways, how i wish i had his email id... I wud have spammed him with this link... saala!

Tilottama said...

hi JK... just glaned thru ur profile now & checked the blogs.. I loved ur himesh post.. its hillllllarioussssssssssss.... good one...

CruciFire said...

@ moon - heyyy thnx a lot.. its so gud to listen frm u after such a long time... will talk more on orkut ;)..

Dix said...

gr8 work. Cruci
Lets all join our hands and keep a silence for a minute to pay tribute to all who lost their life when accidentaly they were exposeded to Himu's AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHnnnnnnnnnnnn

DeMeNTeD SouL said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeMeNTeD SouL said...

love it...loooove it....simply looooouve it...damn i crack everytime i read dis...

Kavya said...

HHDPGM!!!
i was left in splits by both the parts of the "saga"!.. awesome.. =D

CruciFire said...

@ dix - thanx..

@ varsha - thanx babaes...

@ kavya - thank u sooo much....