Via Agra, Sept 2025: India’s new satellite - Planetary Explorer: New Indian Shuttle (P.E.N.I.S) failed to take off today, sparking a huge debate about whether spending huge amounts of taxpayer’s money on space programs is justified or not. Counted amongst India’s most prestigious space programs till date, the Space Exploratory Xperience or S.E.X (of which P.E.N.I.S is an integral part) has been in the works for close to a decade now.
Commissioned by the then Chairman of ISRO Homo Bhabha, this mission was estimated to be worth 30 Million paisa to be utilized over a period of 3 years. 9 years and 30.0005 Million paisa later, the project is in its final stages…. of shutting down. After much deliberation, an ISRO veteran scientist, Mr.Dontaskme DickShit (DD) volunteered for an interview, exclusively for ‘Crucifire’s Lair’ readers. Here’s a transcript –
ME – Sir, tell me something about Project S.E.X
DD – You see this project was initiated by the late Homo Bhabha who was apparently cock-sure that there was intelligent life out there in the universe. Have you seen ‘Koi Mil Gaya’?
ME – The Hrithik movie? Yes sir.
DD – Ahh, Homo Bhabha was like Hrithik’s dad in the movie. He used to sit around all day hitting random keys on the CASIO keyboard expecting aliens to contact him from outer space. I am sure those aliens (IF they existed) would have committed suicide listening to the sonic bullcrap he used to churn out from his keyboard.
ME – Err sir, aren’t you being a little harsh on Mr.Bhabha? After all he is the one who spearheaded most of India’s prominent space programs.
DD – Hah, space program, my ass! I would prefer Savita BHABHI to that BHABHA any day.
ME – Okay, let’s not deviate from the topic, so tell me about S.E.X
DD – In my opinion, sex is a spiritual communion of two souls. It’s the physical manifestation of love between a man and a woman. Foreplay is a very important part of sex, my son. Sex happens when a man inserts his p….
DD – Ohh, sorry about that! After Chandrayaan, Project S.E.X was supposed to be India’s next big space program. It’s almost a decade now and the project still hasn’t taken off. We are unable to have good S.E.X as our P.E.N.I.S keeps going down every single time we try to launch it.
ME – So, what exactly seems to be the problem?
DD – We have tried launching our satellite more than 50 times but it never stays on course. The rocket carrying the satellite always deviates from its trajectory and ends up crashing in the nearby ocean. This is what we people in the space industry call ‘Projectile Dysfunction’. If a rocket cannot penetrate the outer space, how the hell can we have good S.E.X? It is generally believed we can have good S.E.X with a rocket positioned at “less than 45 degree” but our P.E.N.I.S always leaves its predetermined route and ends up crashing in an ocean.
ME – What now?
DD – Do you have any idea how frustrated we scientists are? It’s been so long since we’ve had a good S.E.X and this P.E.N.I.S is of no use. We tried to stimulate political interest in this project but they are too apathetic. No extra funds, they say. If we don’t have money or a good satellite (like P.E.N.I.S) great S.E.X is close to impossible. They should shut down this project and lay off all of us so that we can atleast have good sex at home *winks*
ME - Yes, well okay… good luck with that!
(Couple of my readers found my references to Dr. Homi Bhabha and ISRO disrespectful.. Guys and gals, I respect Dr. Homi Bhabha and ISRO and all their contributions to the Indian Space Industry, references to them are just in good humour and I mean no disrespect.. Sorry, if it offended anyone I never meant to..)