Superheroes Saga - 4 (Final Part)

Read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 here…

Dhruv: Now since that’s done with it, can we please discuss the other issues? Ok, the next issue is “Was it L&T who had supplied cement to Ram & Lax Inc for the Setu Bridge?” Why on earth are we concerned about who the hell was the cement supplier to Ram & Lax Inc? Heyy, wait a minute. I don’t remember having seen this as one of the issues in the earlier draft. May I know which of you super morons wrote this on the agenda?

Superhero 5: That would be me, Mr. Dhruv!

Dhruv: Oh no not you! I should have guessed it, The Illogical Issues Man (IIM). So why exactly have you written it here?

IIM: Well dumbass, as my name says my job as a super hero IS to bring up such irrational problems and enjoy seeing people like you trying to figure out a way to solve them. You see there are a lot of other such nonsensical questions that I need answers to – Why is it that apart from the actor for whom the movie Satya was a launch vehicle, everyone else became famous and he is nowhere to be seen? Who exactly IS Digen Verma? Isn’t the Vodafone dog sick of running around tiny wooden houses every time the network decides to change its name and colour? Why are most Tamil heroines fat as hell and the heroes look like they are from Shivaji’s times? Had Mallika approached anyone to put silicon…

Dhruv (interrupting IIM): Oh c’mon, everyone knows the answer to that one.

IIM: …in her PC?

Dhruv: Ohh I thought that… ah well I don’t know and I don’t want to! I am sorry but we will HAVE to tell you to step out of the audi right now. You see, we have very critical issues on hand to resolve and we can’t afford to waste time on answering your stupid queries.

IIM: Well then, if no one wants me here I am going.

STOM: The IIM is going to leave this room, ain’t he?

Chacha Chaudhary: Please take STOM with you Mr. IIM and make it fast.

STOM: You want me to leave too, isn’t it?

Chacha Chaudhary: Just freaking LEAVE!

Dhruv: Okay last topic up for discussion – Did Van Heusen supply the war outfits to Pandavas and Kauravas? Isn’t Mahabharatha way too old to be brought up for discussion?

Person 1: Well, I am the one who put that question in the agenda.

Dhruv: YOU?! BLISTERING BARNACLES BUT HOW?

Nagraj: Well, he has a huge stake in ANUS, so as a stakeholder he has every right to ask what he wants to know from the top management. Ain’t I right, Mr. Mukesh Ambani?

MA: Yes exactly. As far as I remember, Reliance was still in the textile business then. When there WAS one reliable Indian brand in the market, I would like to know why they preferred to outsource their designer clothes to an MNC?

Dhruv: Designer clothes? Who the hell told you they wore designer clothes?

MA: Heyy, I do watch Ekta Kapoor’s Mahabharatha and anyone watching that serial can tell you that those guys used to wear designer clothes and sport tattoos. Though I am not quite sure those were original Van Heusen but what the hell!

Nagraj: TATTOOS?! Oh for heaven’s sake Mr. Ambani, that’s all Ekta’s own creation. Now don’t tell me you actually thought they used to have tattoos! You think Sapna Bhavnani’s great great great grandmother used to do it for them? You Mad-o-wot?

MA: Oh, she didn’t?

(Dhruv and Nagraj both faint.)

My Cartoons - 11

The 'CHOCOLATE' guy in the AXE Ad

Superheroes Saga - 3

Read Part 2 here

Dhruv: OMG guys, how many more digressions will we have to go through before we are able to finish off the agenda we started off with? Ok next topic – Is the name Microsoft erotic?

Nagraj: May I know why exactly are WE discussing this? Isn’t this a job for Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer to figure out?

Dhruv: Well yes, but apparently they haven’t! I am sick and tired of the superheroes (that use the iMac) teasing Windows users calling them names such as “Micro-softies”. I have told them a million times that mine is neither micro, nor soft but they wouldn’t stop. Now you see not everyone is as tough as me (for ex – EMO Man and Senti-Man, who couldn’t make it here because his wife left him) and they are very offended by this name-calling. We HAVE to do something about this.

Nagraj: Sorry bro, but I don’t think we can do anything at all in this regard. The people who have a problem can either switchover to Apple or start using OpenSource software.

SQM: My friends, it’s not about the system that u use but the chips that run it that matters! You have to attain oneness with your PC only then would it be able to do your biding. The cabinet is its body and the processor chip, its soul. Just like us, its physical body will rust, fall prey to dust and insects and eventually break off to reveal the true nature of the chip. Overclocking a PC is like applying Botox, it will definitely elongate the process and affect you but only just about. How does it matter whether it is an Apple or Mirosoft or IBM? Eventually, we all have to go to…

Dhruv (in an enraged tone): Guess what Mr. Smartass, I feel that the universe is conspiring to throw you out of this conference room, this very instant. I can feel it, I can feel it now and as Sharukh Khan had once said when you truly believing in kicking someone out the whole universe comes together to help us achieve it. Will someone please kick this bugger out of this room?

STOM: Someone is gonna kick SQM out, isn’t it?

Nagraj: Sheesh man, there he goes again!

(Sabu kicks SQM right out of the solar system)

Nagraj: Haha that was total pwnage!

Chacha Chaudhary: True, true…

My Cartoons - 10

Physics Can Be Sexy

Superheroes Saga - 2

(Junta, Am feeling pretty light-hearted today so am gonna merge the 2nd and 3rd parts of this saga to make it one long Part 2.. njoy!)

Read Part 1 here

Dhruv: To hell with them… We don’t need those US heroes to help us in our endeavor, so let’s get on with the issues. Respect ma authoritah!

Superhero 1: I think those guys were very pissed off.

Dhruv: Oh thank you so much for that update, Stating-The-Obvious Man (STOM)! So the first issue on the table is – Who is Pammy dating nowadays?

Superhero 2: Koi kisi ke saath nahi sota, yeh sab maya hai…

Dhruv: No one asked your opinion, Spiritual-Quotes Man (SQM). Can I get some answers please?

Shaktimaan: I have firm reason to belive that she might be back with Tommy Lee. I saw them at Yellowstone Park yesterday kissing and cuddling each other.

Dhruv: What on earth were you doing there?

Shaktimaan: Oh that! One of my finger-raised-trying-to-create-a-whirlwind stunts went terribly awry. I ended up creating a couple of hurricanes that destroyed half of Texas. Sorry!

Dhruv: You got to watch a few Rajni movies to learn to create and control a whirlwind. All Hail The Great Rajni!

Dhruv: Okay back to work now! So, are we clear on the fact that Pammy is still going around with Tommy?

Sabu: No. I think she is dating Kid RAAKA.

Dhruv: Kid ROCK, u mean.

Sabu: Oh yeah, yeah. I saw them the other day in the back of Pammy’s car and they were completely engrossed in each other. Both Pammy and Kiddy were sitting facing one another gazing into each other’s eyes though I felt that Kiddy’s gaze was a little lower than hers.

Dhruv: Err okay, but since Shaktimaan’s information is the most updated one, we can conclude that Pam and Tommy are back together – topic closed!

Superhero 3: Oh! That’s so cute. But I can imagine what Kid Rock would go through when he comes to know of this, poor soul. He would be all sentimental, wear black clothes, start listening to goth music and try to hurt himself with a blade.

Dhruv: Hey EMO Man (EM), please get the hell outta here! How on earth do people like YOU become superheroes? What do you do? Provide losers with goth CDs and knives?

EM: Heyy even that’s a superheroes job. You guys hurt my feelings, I am leaving the ANUS.

Boo Hoo.

(EM storms out of the conference room sobbing)

Dhruv: Ohh, great relief. Next topic – “How escalating oil prices have affected the lives of poor Malayalis?” So, who can shed some light on this?

Superhero 4: Jnyan chiyam, Meim karoomga. Hello peepuls, meim hoom South Indian Man (SIM). I save people by providing them banana chips, tapioca chips and nariyal paani when they are hungry or thirsty. I also fly to the rescue of ladies who find it difficult to prepare dosa, idli and puttu. I specialize in parotha and chicken curry.

Nagraj: Abey, enough of self-promotion, can you please come back to the topic on hand please? Saap chahiye kya?

SIM: Naheeeem, no please. I would like to bring to ANUS’s kind attention that the recent spike in oil prices have affected the Mallu community the most. You all know how important oil is in the life of a Mallu. As we use it for almost everything, one bottle of Parachute used to last for only 2 days. Now we have to stretch a bottle for a week before I can think of buying a new one, ende kashtam annu ariyamo… I mean what trouble it is do you know? I have to go days without properly having a bath because oil has become so expensive. My sister is unable to nourish her hair everyday sitting on the window sill with half a bottle all because some dim-witted, handkerchief-wearing Arab suddenly realized that his ‘stuff’ was worth a lot more.

Nagraj: But Mr. SIM, the oil that we are referring to here is not…

SIM (interrupts Nagraj): Rukom. Chup Rahom Tum. Let me speak, I want people to know what tragedy we are going through here. Can you imagine how many of my fellowmen have to use shampoo more than once every week to offset their use of oil? Now their hair has become all frizzy and dry and the comb doesn’t slip off the hair as easily as it used to. They have all started resembling that Alex guy who comes on Lola Kutty’s Show. Ende bhagwaane…

STOM: Hmm, so all of you use shampoo once every week is it?

Dhruv: WTF? Isn’t that obvious?

STOM: Well if it was, then it was my job to reiterate that, ain’t it?

Nagraj: With superheroes like you, are we ever gonna be able to solve the world’s problems? God save our ANUS!

Nagraj: And Mr. SIM, the oil that we are talking about today is gasoline/petroleum and not coconut oil.

SIM (embarrassed): Ohhhh, is it? I am sooo sorry… I thought it was… u know… hehe… oops!

Dhruv: When was the last time you went out to buy groceries?

SIM: An year back… err, my wife generally buys all the necessary rations you see…

SQM: Maine kahaa tha, sab maya hai. What were we born for? Why are we on this earth, in this human form? Kya hum mein kisi ne iss vishey par kabhi vichaar kiya hai?

Nagraj (giggling): Abey, kal raat ko Premchand aur Socrates dono aaye the kya?

(The whole congregation bursts into laughter.)

Metallica To Play At Lalbaug

Lalbaug : Mumbai metalheads rejoice! Metallica is FINALLY coming to Mumbai. The world's most celebrated metalband is slated to perform at Lalbaug on the last day of Ganesh Chaturthi celebrations. Metallica plans to release their recent album 'Death Magnetic' during their gig here. Our sources (name changed to protect identity) confirmed that Metallica might also be looking at releasing a full length album post their performance in Mumbai; tentatively titled ‘S & M - Dwitiya' (S stands for Sarvajanik Ganeshotsav Mandal, Lalbaug) .

Mr. Patil (only surname given to protect identity), President of the Sarvajanik Ganeshotsav Mandal (SGM) at Lalbaug said, "Amhi very pleased aahe ki Mithali-Ka ikde perphorm karna aahe. I am prouds of the phact that my mandal junta has done something that even the fat guy whatshisname Wadia and Shri. Makhija could not do. Amhi sagle log phaar exicted aahe. We are thinking of printing special Mithali-Ka tshirts and bandanas for our whole team. We are also discussing the possibility of having a 'lejhim dance' bephore Mithali-Ka comes on stage. We have tied up with SapharChand Inc to setup a big, exclusive stall for selling their Amravati-phamous 'AaiPhone' (link to one of my previous posts). Jai Maharashtra. Jai Mithali-Ka"

Venkitachala radhajayasuryakamala murlitharan (he did not listen to us!) our correspondent in the US managed to catch up with James Hetfield, the lead singer of Metallica for a few sound bites. When asked about the Mumbai gig, this is what James had to say,"YEEAAHHHH. YEEEAAHHH. We are all extremely excited about our upcoming gig in Mumbai. This would be our first visit to India and you all know how much we foreigners love India or atleast pretend we do!" When asked about the playlist and rumoured album, James retorted, "YEEAAHH. We would be playing most of our famous songs but the lyrics would be changed to suit the ongoing Ganpati celebrations in India. For example, we would be playing 'One'(inspired from Johnny’s Got His Ganpati), Enter Mooshaka, The Head That Should Not Have Been, Mooshak Militia, And Modaks For All and a few other hits that relate to Lord Ganesha's life. Apart from the above-mentioned songs, the album playlist would consist of 'Call of the Vighnaharta', 'Mama Said' (with lyrics on how he was created), 'Bleeding Me' (song relating to Ganesha's state after the bathroom brawl), Unforgiven 4 (Karthikeya not forgiving his mom after the "fastest around the world" episode), 'Turn The Page' (on the Mahabharatha-writing episode) and two songs dedicated to Lord Shiva (Master Of Bhootgan) and Narada (St. Narad) respectively.

As soon as this news reached a(M) a(N) as(S) leader Aaj Phekrey, he vowed to take out a morcha to protest against band’s use of the name ‘Metallica’ without a Marathi version of the same on the flyers and their equipment.

In unrelated news, Megadeth was rumoured to be on the lookout for a big Ganpati Pandal to play some of their own chartbusters on the last day of immersion.

- By CruciFire (Not-so-Well Street Journal)

Superheroes Saga - 1 (5 Part Series)

Hi everyone, this is Jay reporting live from Prague, Delhi where an emergency meeting has been called by all the superheroes of this world to talk about and resolve important international issues. Some of the significant issues on the agenda to be discussed today are as follows: “Who is Pamela currently dating?”, “How escalating oil prices have affected the lives of poor Malayalis?”, “Is the name ‘Micro soft’ erotic?”, “Was it L&T who had supplied cement to Ram & Lax Inc for the Setu Bridge?” and “Did Van Heusen supply outfits to the Padavas and Kauravas for the Kurukshetra war?”. Discussion on other smaller problems such as global warming, terrorism, communal violence, real estate prices, inflation and bomb blasts have been postponed till the next meeting in 2020.

Super Commando Dhruv: On behalf of Association of Newly United Superheroes (ANUS), I would like to welcome you all to this conference convened for the resolution of global issues. Inspite of having our very own ANUS, we never really took stock of the various problems that have plagued our society and tried to solve them. ANUS was created to act as a passage for the common good to come in and for bad karma to go out. Instead, some of us have been shamelessly working as reporters at newspapers, flying around just for the fun of it, making love to girls with Mary in their name, driving burning motorcycles, growing into slimy green creatures destroying property, creating stupid metal suits for combat, running alongside speeding bullets and fighting absurdly-named villains like the Joker and Penguin wearing a black gay suit!

Spiderman: With great power comes great responsibility!

Dhruv: Yeah right, of what? Flinging around fishing nets on buildings enraging the BMC to clean up the mess later and charge it on ANUS.

Batman: This is ridiculous! We are genuine fighters and are under no obligation to take crap from someone who is signed to a little known RAJ comics and fights next to a guy who loves snakes! Meh!

Dhruv: Ohh don’t take it too far ‘black gay suit’ guy! As if no one in this room knows about your relations with Robin!

(A collective gasp echoes throughout the hall and all eyes turn to Batman)

Batman: That does it! This organization sucks… Screw u guys, we are going home!

(A whole section of ANUS gets up and leaves the conference room)

To Be Contd...

My Cartoons - 9

IDEA Telecom - The Best!

My Cartoons - 8

People always think what they WANT to think!

My Cartoons - 7

How Death Metal Fans Learn Lyrics

My Cartoons - 6

Present Day Love Problems

My Cartoons - 5

Face - Off

My Cartoons - 4

Technologically Challenged

My Cartoons - 3

Posers DIE!!!

(open in new tab/window)

My Cartoons - 2

Kick In The Nuts

My Cartoons - I

Hi Junta,

I recently came across this site - http://www.stripcreator.com/ which is a simple, easy-to-use portal that provides budding cartoonists with panels and some characters to create . For creative and busy ppl like me, this is gr8 way to create a few cartoons without having to go thru the whole processing of drawing, penciling, photoshopping and all that!

Here is the first of my toons (will post one each week till creative juices last :P):

Unlikely Superhero - I

(open in new window or new tab to veiw)

aaiFone - A Technological Marvel

Couple of days back, Steve P. Jobs unveiled the world’s first custom made series of touch screen phones, affectionately titled the AAIFONE (aaiFone). Targeted specifically at the Maharashtrians, this phone is the result of a recent collaboration between Apple (or SapharChand as its partners call it), RMNS Corp. and Shee Cena (wholly-owned subsidiary of Ball Tak Inc., Ulhasnagar)

The product was launched in a high profile press conference held in Bihar on Feb 14^th. Steve P. Jobs appeared on a bullock cart wearing a Pheta with the aaiFone held high. He was accompanied by Aaj Phekrey (CEO, RMNS) and Uthake Phekrey (Chairman, Shee Cena) on either side. “This starts a new chapter in the history of touch screen phones”, said Steve. “I have always wanted to give something back to my fellow maharashtrians and this is my Valentine’s Day gift to them. I am and always have been one of them. For the uninformed, my middle name is Padgaonkar and not Paul as some people assume it to be. Mee pann ek Marathi manoos aahe”, confessed Steve in front of a massive three member audience.

aaiFone weighs a good 5 kilos and is sturdy, lathi-resistant, shock-proof, oil-proof, water-resistant and blood-proof. “It has been designed keeping the average activist in mind. We want people to use it during bandhs and rasta rokos and that’s reason we have made it this strong”, Aaj was quoted as having said. Encased in a violence-inducing orange, green and black metal case, this Phone is an internet-enabled multi-touch, multimedia masterpiece. Based on the Jijabyte chipset (named as a tribute to Shivaji), it has a virtual keyboard, touch sensitive buttons and 0.3 Megha-pixel (named after Steve’s daughter) camera. The initial models won’t have xenon flash or auto focus (though the consortium says that the later versions would have a North Indian focus!). But what truly makes it a portable must-have of the ordinary Marathi manoos is its software and interface. Apple’s proprietary software – Mac ki OS is at the heart of this phone. The default language of the phone would be Marathi (Devanagari being the only other option.) Mr. Uthake was quoted as having told the audience that they could have any other language on the phone as long as it was Marathi. The aaiFone would come pre-loaded with wallpapers and screensavers of Tigers, Shivaji maharaj, Vada pav, Arun gawli etc. The themes would have a distinct orange, blue and green tint to them. Famous Marathi tunes such as the Nashik dhol, Dhagala lagli kalla and Jai Jai Maharashtra mazhaa would be included as a standard set in the cell’s multimedia gallery. In terms of connectivity, the phone would have an inbuilt browser called Swarajya and files could be exchanged wirelessly using proprietary software NeelDantha.

For promotional activities, they have tied up with actors Shreyas Talpade & Mohan Joshi. The advertising would be handled by Bhen & Mather Pvt Ltd. An ‘apple-eating tiger’ is the proposed logo and the propossed ad jingle is – Tujhya aai cha, Mazhaa aai cha, Saglyancha aai cha aavadta AAIFONE.

The consortium has vowed to make this phone available ONLY to real Maharashtrians. After a careful screening process (to be done by company activists and not network providers), only the TRUE marathis would be able to lay their hands on this baby!

Random Thoughts - 7

If James Hetfield would have written a song for his wife after their marriage, wot wud have been its title?

...And the Mehendi Remains!!! :)

An Ideal Metalhead's Wedding...

1. The invitation card is printed on black paper with red ink and incorporates loads of swords, guitars, devil horns, demons and skulls. As soon as the card is opened, “For whom the bell tolls” starts to play.

2. On the D-day, there is a “Battle of the Bands” before the marriage ceremony.

3. The hall is all-black with seated guests wearing Metallica, Slayer and Iron Maiden tees.

4. A frizzly-haired dude is shredding guitar at the entrance of the hall.

5. Amidst dense smoke, the groom enters with the ‘Enter sandman’ playing in the background. His full-sleeve Megadeth tee and torn jeans ensemble is completed by a chained purse, couple of skull rings, a bandana, a few tattooes and a spiked wristband.

6. The bride enters in a Kittie Tee and jeans and is pretty much as accessorized as the groom is. Add a nose ring and a neck band to the mix.

7. The Priest Rob Halford enters on a Harley, insists he be referred to as ‘Angel of Death’ and growls songs performed by all the major bands’ right from Black Sabbath to Sepultura to Anthrax , Machinehead, Slipknot and Hatebreed.

8. The groom and bride’s families exchange t-shirts, cds, dvds and vinyl records.

9. After the pheras, the couple ties blood vials to each other, vow to listen to metal and go to all the concerts together – ‘til POP do us part! Amen!

10. The gifts include guitars, amps, synthesizers, cymbals and bass pedals.

11. Every second guest (irrespective of sex) has awfully long hair and does the ‘devil horns’ for every alternate photo.

12. Couple of big bands ‘headline’ the post-wedding celebrations.

13. Chicken, beer and weed are the only items on the menu.

14. The honeymoon is scheduled to coincide with the next Ozzfest gig.

15. The baraatis join in a moshpit before the lunch is served. (this one suggested by a friend)